my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, July 23, 2010

perfect hands

Why oh why is this so very hard?

I can tell you...part of me is missing.

A few days ago I was talking with a fellow BLM about a walk that will happen in Midland on Oct 15. We talked about that the proceeds will go to start some memory boxes for our local hospital. I am lucky (that is not really the right word) to have delivered my precious Trent at a hospital that had amazing memory boxes. It means so very much to me.

I remember the day I left the hospital...they rolled me out to my sisters waiting car...all the moms around me carrying their precious babies....I just had a memory box and a memory of the most precious 22 minutes I would ever have. How could it be? His little life in one tiny box. Every time we move I think how sad it is to see our life packed up in boxes. But, Trent only got on box. When we were talking we both said the one thing we didn't get was their hand prints. Oh how I wish I had those precious hand prints.

As I left that day all I could think about were his little hands. They were so tiny but oh so perfect. He held my hand with that tiny hand. He opened and closed them. And, after he passed I just kept rubbing his little hands. How do you say goodbye? How can it be these little hands I will never kiss again?

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the fact that he is gone...I forget to remember the moments I had with him. He lived his whole life with love surrounding him. He went peacefully into the arms of Jesus. And, his hands were perfect. He was perfect.

I miss him so very much. I can't believe we are almost to 7 months. I didn't think I could live again in the days and weeks Trent died.

My sweet baby boy,

Mommy still misses you every single day. I long for you in my arms. I would love to be taking pictures and sending them to you grandma's. How is heaven? I hope you save a place for me. I would love to be there with you but, for now I will stay here with daddy and try to make you a big brother. You will always be my first true love. I don't know how I go on without you. But, I will always love you. As long as I live, my baby you'll be.

Love,

Mommy


3 comments:

Danae said...

Precious beautiful tiny hands. I remember thinking the same thoughts about Bailey's feet. One of my favorite pictures we have from the hospital is a picture of those feet.

Jill said...

Yes, perfect hands! xo

Naomi Hull said...

That one brought me to tears! The pictures of him always make me cry, but the one with his tiny little hand wrapped around your finger is the sweetest, most precious thing I have ever seen. xoxo

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