my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, July 16, 2010

so very hard

When I was pregnant with Trent I read every single pregnancy book I could get my hands on. I loved it. I loved reading what was going on in my body. I loved know how my little peanut was growing. I loved rubbing my belly and knowing I was growing a little person. I loved when my husband would talk to him. I ALWAYS skipped the parts of the books about labor and delivery. I was really scared of that part. You always here horror stories of how hard labor is. I just thought I would deal with it when it came. I didn't want to know all of that. I always thought I would be able to handle it because I would have a baby at the end of it.

I did have a baby...but, he isn't here anymore.

I read on a BLM blog today a quote from nip/tuck. I have never seen the show but it was from a mom that was turning her daughters life support off..."I thought the hardest thing in this world would be giving birth, little did I know it would be saying goodbye."

The labor was easy compared to this journey of grief. And really my labor wasn't easy at all. I was in full, active labor for 14 hours with no drugs and no assistance. They would not help with my labor unless I signed papers that I was aborting my pregnancy. It wasn't until the infection was in my blood and very close to killing me that they finally helped with labor. But, none of that even compares. The goodbye was harder than I could have ever imagined. The loss greater than I can even fully understand. The goodbye will haunt me all the days of my life.

I was at Walmart yesterday and this mom with two kids were walking into the store. I didn't even notice them until the mom yelled, "Hurry up boy or they are going to run your fat ass over!" I looked over and of course the mother was overweight and the little boy was four or five and pretty big. I thought "You are his mom, you pick what you feed can you call him a fat ass?" But, I would guess she didn't have to fight for her kids as much as we have. I guess she doesn't know what a gift they are. I just don't understand why she gets two and I get none.

It happens every day...I encounter people...I just don't get it.

It is so very hard to not become bitter about the whole thing...but, I try daily.


myinfertilitywoes said...

Hi Trisha,

A blogger I have become close with has recently had a loss. She is so incredibly uplifting even in her grief - I thought I'd share her info with you in case you'd like to visit her:

She also mentions another blogger who is starting a Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope blog - it's incredibly moving and thought you'd connect well here too:

Continuing to think of you... (((hugs)))

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