The day I was admitted to the hospital with Trent family from all over the country rushed in to be by our side. I can't even put into words the gratitude I have to all of them for being there. There are parts of that week that are so etched in my memory I will never lose them. There are other parts that are fuzzy because of the drugs, or grief, or both. But, one of those moments that is there forever happened in the first few hours we were there. My mom and dad had arrived. Ken and I were in shock...beyond shock. My parents cell phones kept ringing with people asking about us and wanting any new details. One of the calls my dad answered he said this, "We are in the hospital room with Ken and Trisha now. (pause while the other person says something) It looks like she is losing the baby." NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't say it...don't say the words...don't put them out there. It can't be true. It will not happen. I will keep him safe inside.
You know the ending to that story.
And, here I am again. At the end of something else. Did I jinx it by saying I knew something wasn't right? I don't think so. I think that my heart would not let me get attached. Today as I looked down and saw blood I thought, "It looks like she is losing the baby."
How many more times will I hear that in my life? How many more times will we suffer? How many more times can my heart break?
This is nothing like the pain that came with losing Trent. NOTHING. But, why? Why us? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why?
My heart was already broken...I don't think it could break anymore...so, today I am numb.
I am numb to the pain of this world. I can't understand why?
Does He think I am strong enough to endure this? I am not! I don't know if there is a lesson in all of this...but, I can't see it.
I have had three positive pregnancy tests in my life. One in Sept 2009 that brought my beautiful Trenton James into this world. One in May of 2010 that ended in a chemical pregnancy. And, one yesterday...that brought me to my "spontaneous abortion." Thank you for inventing that wonderful term...it is so much better than miscarriage...can you hear the sarcasm? Three times and no babies in my arms. I feel like giving up. I feel like there is no hope for me. But, most of all I feel like I don't deserve it anymore.
It all happened so fast. I didn't even get time to say hello.
I hate being the one to make my mom cry. And, today she cried for me again.
I am so sorry I keep messing this baby thing up.
a magical moment
3 days ago