my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


The day I was admitted to the hospital with Trent family from all over the country rushed in to be by our side. I can't even put into words the gratitude I have to all of them for being there. There are parts of that week that are so etched in my memory I will never lose them. There are other parts that are fuzzy because of the drugs, or grief, or both. But, one of those moments that is there forever happened in the first few hours we were there. My mom and dad had arrived. Ken and I were in shock...beyond shock. My parents cell phones kept ringing with people asking about us and wanting any new details. One of the calls my dad answered he said this, "We are in the hospital room with Ken and Trisha now. (pause while the other person says something) It looks like she is losing the baby." NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't say it...don't say the words...don't put them out there. It can't be true. It will not happen. I will keep him safe inside.

You know the ending to that story.

And, here I am again. At the end of something else. Did I jinx it by saying I knew something wasn't right? I don't think so. I think that my heart would not let me get attached. Today as I looked down and saw blood I thought, "It looks like she is losing the baby."

How many more times will I hear that in my life? How many more times will we suffer? How many more times can my heart break?

This is nothing like the pain that came with losing Trent. NOTHING. But, why? Why us? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why?

My heart was already broken...I don't think it could break, today I am numb.

I am numb to the pain of this world. I can't understand why?

Does He think I am strong enough to endure this? I am not! I don't know if there is a lesson in all of this...but, I can't see it.

I have had three positive pregnancy tests in my life. One in Sept 2009 that brought my beautiful Trenton James into this world. One in May of 2010 that ended in a chemical pregnancy. And, one yesterday...that brought me to my "spontaneous abortion." Thank you for inventing that wonderful is so much better than miscarriage...can you hear the sarcasm? Three times and no babies in my arms. I feel like giving up. I feel like there is no hope for me. But, most of all I feel like I don't deserve it anymore.

It all happened so fast. I didn't even get time to say hello.

I hate being the one to make my mom cry. And, today she cried for me again.

I am so sorry I keep messing this baby thing up.


fuzzandfuzzlet said...

You did not jinx anything. It just happened.

YOU DESERVE A LIVING BABY, and more important a baby deserves you as a mommy. I learned long ago that babies are not doled out to those that deserve them the most. If so you and I would have dozens.

Antoinette said...

First of all sweetie ((((bear hugs)))))) second of all you did NOT mess up the baby thing...I dont have the answers, i wish there was NO NEED for answers...but i am here for you...this is another grieving must allow yourself to feel all these things you are feeling...its not fair, and its never acceptable to us...I wonder all the time if this happens to us cause we can 'handle' it id like to sign the applications for WEAK A** i am spared..but it doesnt choose who on purpose...i hope at gentle with yourself..xoxoxo love u so so so sorry you are feeling this pain

ashorty321 said...

Trisha dont ever think that you messed things up. I cant imagine what you are going through. I know u are a great person..u always were to me.. When the time is right u will be the best mom that I will ever know.. U have so much love and I have never seen someone or known someone with the love and passion you have. U hvae a great family and great network of supporting friends from what I can see. I know it doesnt seem fair and it isnt but time will tell.. God bless u both!! xoxoxox

Ethansmommy said...

Dear Trisha,

I was so excited yesterday to read your good news and now my heart aches for you with this sad news. I am just so sorry, there is no way to understand why! Big hugs! From a new BLM, with love, Ami

Melissa said...

When you mention not feeling strong enough it made me think of what Mother Teresa once said,"I know that God won't give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish he didn't think I was so strong" It's true, it's hard when you've been through these horribles losses, you don't want to be strong and you certainly don't feel like it I'm sure. =( Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Oh Trisha, please do not give up hope. <3 We are here with you, for you. Loving you. Holding you up.

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