my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, August 16, 2010

cleaning

Today I woke up in the mood to clean and organize...this is not an uncommon thing...but, it drives Ken nuts when I am in this mood (I guess I distract with all the running around the house and moving and cleaning and so on). I started in my closet. I have lost so much weight (66 lbs) that nothing fits anymore. I pulled dozens of shirts out, threw jeans and pants on the floor, and then moved onto shoes. In a moment of pure insanity I decided I would list everything on ebay. But, me being me, I couldn't just stop...so, I went through every closet, evey storage bin, every nook and cranny looking for stuff to sell. But, one thing I didn't take into account...the rubbermaid bin shoved to the very back of the guest room closet. As I opened it my heart sank. There were all my maternity clothes, outfits for Trent, sheets for the crib. I stopped and cried and cried. How is it that we can just pack our hopes and dreams up and shove them away? (Most of the nursery stuff was packed up by Ken's anut before I returned from the hospital but, there was some that was left behind). I don't remember packing up my maternity clothes. My husband may have done that for me. But, as I pulled each pair of pants out of the bin I more and more taken over with grief.

The weekend after I found out I was pregnant I insisted that Ken go with me to the Motherhood Maternity store. I was only 7 weeks pregnant and I was a big girl anyway so I didn't need them...but I wanted them. It seemed like one of the biggest moments in my life. I never dreamed I would wear maternity clothes. I never thought it would be me. On that first shopping trip I just got one shirt and some preggo pops for my morning sickness. I remember walking around that mall carrying that little bag with such pride. That bag showed the world that I was going to be a mommy. As the months drew on I did need to buy maternity pants and shirts. I enjoyed every shopping trip we took! I bought way too many clothes for one pregnancy...but, I just couldn't stop. When they would ring me up and say Ms. Weatherford and your due date is May 9th? I loved it.

The day I was transfered from the airport to the hospital I had on my favorite pair of maternity jeans. The paramedics removed them. They were covered in blood. The days in the hospital and chasing our luggage were crazy. I think Ken wore the same outfit for 3 days before we finally got our bags back. The day they discharged me from the hospital I wore PJ's back to my sister's house. After a restless night I got up to shower and realized the only pants I had with me were maternity pants. I tried and tried to make myself put them on. I just couldn't do it. It didn't seem right anymore. I sat on my 7 year old nieces bed and cried for what seemed like hours. Ken finally went to Target to buy me some pants.

So, today I listed them on ebay. Why? I don't know. I do hope that I will wear maternity clothes again...but, I have lost so much weight I don't think I will need that size. I am afraid of wearing the same clothes in the next pregnancy. I am scared for the memories attached. As I was listing them on ebay I wanted to type "almost brand new, my child was born at 22 weeks so they never really got a good wear" but, instead I wrote "I bought these late into my pregnancy so they are like new." Sad but true. Who would have thought that at 18 weeks I was late into the pregnancy. My heart hurt as I listed them. But, I think I need to do it for some closure. I think I have to keep living.

I don't know the rules in this new life. I don't know what I am supposed to keep and get rid of. I don't know what is right or wrong...so, I will just go with my heart. And, my heart says .... I miss my baby boy every single day. But, maybe another mommy can wear the pants and have a happy ending with them.

5 comments:

michelle hendrix-swords said...

we had a yardsale just a few of months after losing xavier and i sold my maternity clothes, the nursery furniture, and all the tiny little baby clothes. it was really hard, but something i had to do. i had no need for them anyway because there are no more babies in my future, but it was sooo hard - especially seeing all the pregnant women come by and sort through everything.

i hope you can get everything sold!

Danae said...

I understand this oh too well. I bought only a few things to wear for maternity, because prior to getting pregnant, I lost 34 pounds, so I just started wearing the clothes that were too big as I progressed in my pregnancy. I bought 2 maternity shirts, and a dress, and right now, they are all hanging up in my closet, just waiting, begging to be worn again.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I think you should do something special with any money you make off of the maternity clothes.

Sherry said...

After our loss, nothing makes sense. So we do what feels right. All the memories, the hopes and dreams, the boundless emotions attached to the clothes and the baby things makes it unbearable sometimes. Letting them go is just another step to healing...I hope you get everything sold too, if not, there's always the donation option. XX.
(p.s. I don't know if you have read it, i wrote a poem about this - more so with my older son's clothes, but I think you can relate)

after builders cleaning said...

Why don't you donate your maternity clothes. You can make happy another mother. I understand you will make some money selling them ,but money are not every thing.

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