my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, August 29, 2010

his absence

The presence of his absence is everywhere.

I held my whole world in my hands for such a few moments.

But, I will carry his absence forever.

He will never be here. He will never be back. His memory will never fade. But, his life is forever over.

Last night I was catching up on some blog reading. Ken came out of the bedroom and asked me who I was reading about. I started sharing the stories of the other baby loss mommas. I showed him pictures, I told him the birth stories, I cried with him. I told him of a few misdiagnosis of incompetent cervix. We both talked about how "lucky" we were to have gotten the correct diagnosis. The life of our future children depend on that diagnosis. He told "If the doctors would have missed your incompetent cervix and we lost a second one...I would probably spend the rest of my life in jail because I would have gone on a shooting rampage." My husband is not an angry man. He is not unreasonable. But, he is a grieving father. He is a man who misses his son every single day. I think he knows we could not survive this again. It is too much. Too much pain. Too much sorry. Too much agony. Too much emptiness.

His absence is all around us. We have no baby clothes in our laundry. We have no dirty bottles in the sink. We have no diaper changer. We have no crib. We have no tears at night. We have no smiles from our precious Trent. We have no pictures of his growing body.

He will forever be absent from our lives.

And, that truth surrounds every inch of my being - every single day.



taking his last breath...holding up his tiny finger
as long as I'm living my baby he'll be

3 comments:

lis said...

oh trisha
beautiful words as always, but even your words pale in comparison to that amazingly gorgeous child of yours.
xoxo
lis

Heather said...

I have had these same thoughts so many times over the past year. I am glad you got the diagnosis for the future, but so sorry it had to be given through the life of your son.

Ethansmommy said...

Hi Trisha,

We don't know each other, but we share the same sad bond, we have both lost sons. I love the way you have shared his story. We just lost our little Ethan in June, the pain is still very sharp. Reading about the stories of others helps to ease the hurt a little. Thank you for telling your story. -Ami

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