my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, August 16, 2010

my angry eyes

Do you remember that scene in Toy Story when Mrs. Potato Head is packing Mr. Potato Head and says, "I'm packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case."

Ugh, I had my angry eyes on all day! And, it wasn't even by choice really. I am just mad, devastated really that this is my life. My birthday is one week from today. Ken is a teacher and he has to work all that day. I have no family that live in Midland and even though I have lots of friends I don't know any of them that I could just call up and say "you want to see a movie" I will be alone. And, that is not what bothers me the most. That is not what got my blood boiling is the simple fact that I should be spending my 31st birthday with my son. No ifs ands or buts about it...HE SHOULD BE WITH ME!

I had a meeting this morning at church and as people went around the table introducing themselves I just kept thinking "What do I say??" (although many of them knew what had happened last year) One lady talked about her grandson (her daughter-in-law and I had the same due date) She talked about how he is the light of her life and how she wouldn't know what to do without him. He is four months old. I want my four month old. As we got further around the table a person I didn't know told about being a newlywed and then that she was 3 months pregnant. The whole room oohed and ahhed. I cried. I tried so hard not to. And, it is not that I wish evil will on either of these woman. I am just PISSED that I don't get to glow and smile about my son.

When it was finally my turn I was determined to just say "I'm Trisha. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost five years."

But, of course that isn't what happened. I already had the tears in the back of my throat, I was already on the verge of losing it. So, I said, "I'm Trisha. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost five years. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 7 months ago and held him in my arms until he went back to the arms of Jesus. This is a road I never thought I would be on. But, I am trying to survive it." The whole room was in tears with me. That is what I love about a group of Christian women. They help me carry my burden. They have called and emailed to check in on us. They have prayed over us. They have hugged me when I just cry. And, yes I cried the entire time I talked. Sometimes I just feel like I need people to know I still hurt. I need them to know that my heart is still broken.

Back to the angry eyes...the woman sitting next to me is the one who a few months ago said to me "Aren't you over that yet" First off, THAT was my son. His name was Trent and he lived and breathed on this earth. Second off F* you...which I would never say but I really really wanted to. I walked away in tears that day and blogged about it then. Today this lovely woman (can you hear the sarcasm) says to me "Oh now that you have lost so much weight maybe you can actually carry a baby." Oh I wanted to punch her. I have an incompetent cervix. It is a medical condition. Yes, my weight did not help the situation but there are hundreds of women who are normal size who have the same problem. That was when I pulled out the angry eyes.

And, I didn't take them off the rest of the day. I threw a glass of water at my husband tonight because he drank half of it and I had just made it. I yelled at the man on the phone from Ebay for freezing my account because I had been inactive so long. I yelled at my poor doggies for getting in my way. I yelled at someone in Walmart who was in my way. I threw myself onto the bed and pounded my fist into the pillow over and over again. I honked...a lot today. I am mad. I am mad people say such stupid things. I am mad that I lost my son. I am mad.

I am going to try and put my angry eyes away tonight. But, if I see that woman outside of is on like donkey kong ;)

One more thought, I really REALLY hate it when people say to me "everything happens for a reason."


Anonymous said...

How insensitive can people be? You do such a wonderful job holding it in that it's no surprise you have to let it out a bit. There are worse things than angry eyes and letting off a bit of steam. ((HUGS))

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

There is a huge difference between saying something stupid and saying something mean. This woman is MEAN. I can not think of an uglier thing to say to a person. I want to slap her for you.

If I lived closer I would to to a movie with you.

Becky said...

I'm really sorry you had such a rough day. Props to you for letting it out and telling your story to that group of women! And try to avoid that one woman, she obviously has no clue. Best to weed her out of your life as much as possible. Hang in there!

NAOMI HULL said...

That woman doesn't have the sense that God gave a door knob! I would definitely slap her for you if I were there as well!!

Tara said...

I ALSO hate when people say "everything happens for a reason." The only people who say this are people who haven't had anything bad happen, like losing a child.

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