my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, August 30, 2010

rainbow

I have learned many, many things in the almost eight months since my sweet baby boy was here with me. I have learned of this nasty club that way too many belong. We seem to call ourselves the BLM's (baby loss mommas) It is this crazy world that should not exsist. It is a group of mommies mourning the death of their child. It is a group of women who all carry the same burden. It is a club in which every single member has had to say, "My child is dead." In this club we have all had to make the awful decisions that come along with the death of our child; burial or cremation, memorial service or funeral, public or private. Ugh...these things should not exsist. But, they do.

I have also learned of the "rainbow" babies. What is a rainbow baby? Well, for us BLM's it is the baby that comes after our loss. It is the tiny bit of hope we see through the storm. Another BLM describes it as this...

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

So, with fear and tears I would like to share that I am 4w2d pregnant with our rainbow. It is not an easy place to be. I know it should be. But, something already feels wrong to me. I just have this gut feeling this will not be the one either. I just can't let myself be excited. I can't let my heart get attached...yet. I have seen the dr. I have an appt with the high risk ob next week. The week of 9/10 I will have an appt with my normal ob to set the cerclage date. I will have a cerclage placed. I have cried most of the day. And, the sad thing is not many were tears of joy. I guess I don't have the luxury anymore of thinking that in 36 weeks I will be bringing an infant home. I am not sure happily ever after exsists...but, oh how I am trying to have hope. I am trying to see this rainbow as what it is...our second miracle.

One of the first questions I asked the nurse today was, "What happens if I start bleeding?" She told me that this early on there was nothing they could do. (Which of course I knew) But, I wondered do I go to the ER? Do I call them? Or do I just sit at home crying again? I can't even believe this is my thought process. I can't even wrap my mind around how awful of a mom this all makes me to this little rainbow I am growing...

My due date is May 7, 2011 ... Trent's was May 9,2010. Can I do this? Am I strong enough?

I want a living child so very much....I am just so very scared.

And, I feel like I am not ready to tell the world yet. So, I have only posted this here...not on Facebook. We have told our families...I am just too scared to let people hurt with us again if anything goes wrong.

14 comments:

Tiffany said...

Congratulations mama! Rainbows are amazing, I have 2. I know you will be worried until your rainbow is in your arms, I think all us blms are. But know that you can do it! My last rainbow was born 5/7 of this year btw.

Marie W said...

Congratulations Trisha! Keeping you and the little one in prayer.

Curls O Fred said...

That's a lot of emotions to experience in your journey down this road as both a blm and with a rainbow baby. Take each day at a time and know you have many people thinking of you and this little one, hoping for a smooth pregnancy. Trent is always remembered.

Melissa said...

I can't even begin to imagine the emotions I will go through when I conceive again. Be gentle with yourself, and I will pray for a healthy pregnancy for you and your rainbow baby.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

OGOSH I am really happy for you. Take comfort in knowing they know what happened with Trent and they know how to fix it.

I am so glad you shared on your blog! Wishing you a happy, healthy, and uneventful nine months!

Heather said...

Congrats on your rainbow! It's hard to trust in our rainbows sometimes, it really is. I will pray that this is the one you get to bring home.

Melissa said...

Trish, I am so happy for you and I know many of the same feelings about just not feeling like I could bring this baby home. I am due on May 4th so I imagine we will get our cerclage's right around the same time. You are an amazing mom!

bir said...

Congrats - I know that feeling. All of those feelings! I'm 7w6d. It feels like I've done months of this pregnancy already. It's a tough, tough, anxious, nervous journey. I spend most of my days convinced that it's all over.

Thinking of you x

michelle hendrix-swords said...

congratulations! BIG HUGS - i'll be praying for you!

Michelle Karr said...

Congratulations!!! Many Hugs!!! I will be praying. All of those feelings are completely normal.

klarsen said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you! I know it s hard to be optimistic, but just try to remember that when it really comes down to it, God is in control. Trust Him. xoxo

Tara said...

May you have peace on this "new" part of your journey.

Every day is a blessing, so try to remember that :-) even though the anxiety and worry are normal.

Anonymous said...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. scherry

Stephanie said...

YEAH ~ another rainbow! WOnderful news. I can hear how hard this is from your post...and I feel the same way. It is completely normal and honestly, you just do and feel what you have to. NO one here will judge you honey! Pregnancy after any loss is a HARD and difficult journey. I have three living children and after loosing Amelia, getting pregnant with my rainbow ( I am almost 19 weeks) I STILL have a hard time. Death tends to jade us...we want to protect our hearts from that horrible hurt and why shouldn't we.

Hoping that this rainbow infuses you with hope again.

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