I have learned many, many things in the almost eight months since my sweet baby boy was here with me. I have learned of this nasty club that way too many belong. We seem to call ourselves the BLM's (baby loss mommas) It is this crazy world that should not exsist. It is a group of mommies mourning the death of their child. It is a group of women who all carry the same burden. It is a club in which every single member has had to say, "My child is dead." In this club we have all had to make the awful decisions that come along with the death of our child; burial or cremation, memorial service or funeral, public or private. Ugh...these things should not exsist. But, they do.
I have also learned of the "rainbow" babies. What is a rainbow baby? Well, for us BLM's it is the baby that comes after our loss. It is the tiny bit of hope we see through the storm. Another BLM describes it as this...
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
So, with fear and tears I would like to share that I am 4w2d pregnant with our rainbow. It is not an easy place to be. I know it should be. But, something already feels wrong to me. I just have this gut feeling this will not be the one either. I just can't let myself be excited. I can't let my heart get attached...yet. I have seen the dr. I have an appt with the high risk ob next week. The week of 9/10 I will have an appt with my normal ob to set the cerclage date. I will have a cerclage placed. I have cried most of the day. And, the sad thing is not many were tears of joy. I guess I don't have the luxury anymore of thinking that in 36 weeks I will be bringing an infant home. I am not sure happily ever after exsists...but, oh how I am trying to have hope. I am trying to see this rainbow as what it is...our second miracle.
One of the first questions I asked the nurse today was, "What happens if I start bleeding?" She told me that this early on there was nothing they could do. (Which of course I knew) But, I wondered do I go to the ER? Do I call them? Or do I just sit at home crying again? I can't even believe this is my thought process. I can't even wrap my mind around how awful of a mom this all makes me to this little rainbow I am growing...
My due date is May 7, 2011 ... Trent's was May 9,2010. Can I do this? Am I strong enough?
I want a living child so very much....I am just so very scared.
And, I feel like I am not ready to tell the world yet. So, I have only posted this here...not on Facebook. We have told our families...I am just too scared to let people hurt with us again if anything goes wrong.