my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, August 9, 2010

some random thoughts

I have anxiety problems since I lost my precious Trent. I get nervous/anxious over things that never would have affected me before. I used to be fearless (at least that is how I felt). But, now I don't want to venture into anything different or new without someone next to me...just in case I fall, they can pick me up. It is hard to explain what this has to do with losing my son. But, for me he was my greatest failure. He was my greatest lost. He is what I had dreamed of and planned for more than anything else in the world and he was lost. I have always been a dreamer and a planner. I have to see or visualize everything before it comes to fruition. Now, I am scared to dream. Scared to think of the "maybe."

In the week between Christmas and New Year's there were so many posts on Facebook about what people were hoping, wishing, looking forward to in 2010. I posted this:

"2010 will be the most amazing year of my life...I will get to meet the son doctors told me I would never carry." I had dozens of comments and "likes" on it.

Sometimes I wonder if I jinxed it all. Maybe I shouldn't have been so excited, maybe I should not have dreamed so much. I know it has nothing with any of that....but, sometimes I wonder.

Ken and I are in Atlanta for business/fun. We came so I could attend a grant writing conference. But, we are also visiting some good friends. Last night we went to Stone Mountain and watched the laser show. We sat on the huge lawn, nice breeze, families all around us, happy people, laughing people...and all I could think was, "I want him here." I was teary eyed and my husband leaned over to ask what was wrong. I told him, "I want to show him this." He asked me why I did this to myself? Why did I set myself up to be sad like this? But, I don't. I don't know what will trigger it. I don't know how I will react. And, I can't stop living. At least I am trying to not stop living. I cried the whole time for him. Right before the show started...when I was the most desperate I looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star. My little angel was telling me hello.

I need some advice -- my anxiety level has gotten bad. Yes, I take pills. But, when it gets really really bad I start pinching my inner arm. I started a few months ago and it was just a pinch now and then. But, my arms look like a battle scene now. I can't get myself to stop. It just seems to me that if I feel the pain of the pinch I will distract myself from the pain in my heart. What coping mechanisms do you have? My arms look like I am a drug addict. I need to now be inflicting pain....any ideas would help


Becky said...

Hi Trisha,
I feel for you! I, too, have moments where all I can think of is my boys, and how much I wish they were here to see or experience something. I sometimes look at something simple like a clear blue sky and tear up, just because I think of how much they would have liked it.

My husband and I have both dealt with anxiety to different degrees. Something that's helped us a lot is counseling with a grief counselor specializing in pregnancy/infant loss. Sometimes just talking is all that's needed, or receiving advice on coping from a professional. Good luck to you, I hope the coming days are better!


fuzzandfuzzlet said...


I think anxiety is somewhat typical after such a loss. You learned the hard way that the world is not always a safe place. The key is figuring out how to handle anxiety in a healthy way. Have you talked to a counselor about this.

The pinching worries me. It seems one step removed from cutting. People that cut do so for the very reasons you mentioned. They feel that if they feel physical pain the internal pain will go away. PLEASE get help for this. It will not go away, it will not get better on its own. It will only get worse.

You did not jinx yourself into losing Trent. You were carrying a beautiful baby inside of you, you SHOULD have been proud. You were aware of what a miracle he was and were in awe of that miracle. Bad things happen to good rhyme nor reason, no blame. They just do.

You lost Trent to a MEDICAL CONDITION. If you lost a loved one to a heart attack you would not blame them for failing to live. You would blame heart disease. YOU happened to have a medical condition that caused complications during pregnancy. No blame. I would love to see you try bio feed back with this. Every single time you start to blame yourself make yourself say "I created an amazing person and did everything in my power to bring him into this world healthy" Fake it until you feel it.

MEK said...

When I lost my son Kenner, I felt the same way for the first year. I couldn't do anything fun with out guilt, I wanted him to be here and share with him everything. I still fill that way, but I don't have guilt anymore. I decided I needed to find peace and after almost 2 years I have. Its been a hard long road BUT it does get easier with time. I have been on antidepressants for almost the 2 years since the passing of Kenner. I say almost, because I stop taking them and then start again when I feel I need them. Not a good thing to do. I think you should maybe get your medication adjusted and probably seek counselling. I thought the same thing as the comment above me. Its almost like you are cutting. You are just not using a razor. I also believe in faking it until you feel it! that is also something that I did. I have another blog you can check out at I just recently left that blog behind do to many many reasons. BUT maybe you might find something of use to help you. Good luck, you are going to be in my prayers. Feel free to email me also at if you have any questions or just need someone to listen to you. Good Luck
p.s I found you through faces of loss faces of hope!

Susan said...

As you know, I have been diagnosed with panic and anxiety disorders. The counseling truly does help and has taught me several coping mechanisms and the panic attacks are quite rare now.

Although I won't claim to know exactly how you feel, you SHOULD talk with some one about the pinching. After awhile you will be numb and that won't work anymore. That's where people start cutting or go to other extreme measures just trying to do something to feel.

A counselor can help. I see a psychiatrist to monitor my meds and a counselor in her office to help me through my anxiety. Is it a quick fix? Of course not, but they are professionals and together can come up with a plan for you.

As always, I am just a phone call away if you need me.

Naomi Hull said...

I suffer from panic attack disorder and their are some pressure points on your body that release saratonin in your brain to help you calm down and feel better. There is one on the soft spot behind your ear that you can gently push on. But, the one that I always use is, take your first finger and thumb on one hand and grip the flesh between your first finger and thumb on the other hand. Grip the middle with pressure and slowly pull outwards. This works for stress, anxiety, and headaches and won't leave a nasty bruise. I used to do it all the time as a child, before I even knew what I was doing. A doctor later told me what it was. I hope it will help you even just a little. I love ya!

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