I have anxiety problems since I lost my precious Trent. I get nervous/anxious over things that never would have affected me before. I used to be fearless (at least that is how I felt). But, now I don't want to venture into anything different or new without someone next to me...just in case I fall, they can pick me up. It is hard to explain what this has to do with losing my son. But, for me he was my greatest failure. He was my greatest lost. He is what I had dreamed of and planned for more than anything else in the world and he was lost. I have always been a dreamer and a planner. I have to see or visualize everything before it comes to fruition. Now, I am scared to dream. Scared to think of the "maybe."
In the week between Christmas and New Year's there were so many posts on Facebook about what people were hoping, wishing, looking forward to in 2010. I posted this:
"2010 will be the most amazing year of my life...I will get to meet the son doctors told me I would never carry." I had dozens of comments and "likes" on it.
Sometimes I wonder if I jinxed it all. Maybe I shouldn't have been so excited, maybe I should not have dreamed so much. I know it has nothing with any of that....but, sometimes I wonder.
Ken and I are in Atlanta for business/fun. We came so I could attend a grant writing conference. But, we are also visiting some good friends. Last night we went to Stone Mountain and watched the laser show. We sat on the huge lawn, nice breeze, families all around us, happy people, laughing people...and all I could think was, "I want him here." I was teary eyed and my husband leaned over to ask what was wrong. I told him, "I want to show him this." He asked me why I did this to myself? Why did I set myself up to be sad like this? But, I don't. I don't know what will trigger it. I don't know how I will react. And, I can't stop living. At least I am trying to not stop living. I cried the whole time for him. Right before the show started...when I was the most desperate I looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star. My little angel was telling me hello.
I need some advice -- my anxiety level has gotten bad. Yes, I take pills. But, when it gets really really bad I start pinching my inner arm. I started a few months ago and it was just a pinch now and then. But, my arms look like a battle scene now. I can't get myself to stop. It just seems to me that if I feel the pain of the pinch I will distract myself from the pain in my heart. What coping mechanisms do you have? My arms look like I am a drug addict. I need to now be inflicting pain....any ideas would help