my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, August 2, 2010

still moving ahead

Time never stopped. It felt like it did. For a few months I felt like the whole world was going on around me and I was standing in the middle trying to figure out how to get back on the horse. Time just keeps moving. At first I was mad about that. I didn't want to keep going. I wanted to stay right where I was...it was closer to him. I didn't want to know life without him. I didn't want to know what that would even hold for me. But, here we are approaching 7 months. 7 whole months. Ken's 30th birthday is tomorrow and my 31st is the 23rd. While I was pregnant I thought, "Oh how fun our son will be here for both of our birthday's this year." I hate that I dreamed so much...because it makes these days harder to face. I had planned on taking Trent to meet family all over the country. I had planned on having him wake daddy up tomorrow. I could just picture it in my head. How amazing would it have been to walk in tomorrow with breakfast in bed for my hubby and our adorable son there to enjoy it all with. One day...maybe we will have a birthday with a child on earth.

This past weekend Ken's grandmother passed away. She lived about four hours away from us. We drove up the weekend before to see her and this weekend to say goodbye. The hardest part of both weekends for me was to be back in a hospital. The smells, the sights, the sounds, the mommy's leaving with their new babies. It was very very hard. This weekend I kept thinking about how excited she was to be a great-grandma. Trent was her first great grand child. I had talked to my mother in law about taking Trent to meet her this summer. She got to meet him Friday morning. I know she is just smiling to meet my baby boy. In someways I am jealous that she gets to hold him now. I know she will take care of him for me.

I love that little boy so very much. How can we be so far away from the last time I held him?

2 comments:

michelle hendrix-swords said...

*HUGS*

it is very difficult to pass by birthdays without xavier. i find it especially hard when one of my other children have a birthday...because in my mind i'm thinking about never getting to have a birthday celebration for xavier. my birthday was really hard last year because i should have been VERY pregnant - instead i was heartbroken and felt very alone.

it's hard, but we are surviving! you are surviving. one day we will see our boys again! thank you for posting this.

*HUGS*

Paige said...

I often feel the same way...I know that God has laid out a perfect plan for my life or I wouldn't be here. And that if I went early than I would miss out on all of Callyn and my husband...but you can't help but not want to be there where you know they are and are perfect in every way. I can't wait for the day for our families to be together again...what a gift!

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