my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, August 15, 2010


People tell me daily how strong I am. I don't see it. I read other blogs of women who have suffered the same loss as me...and I think how strong they are. But, most days I feel like I am barely hanging on. Most days I feel like I can put on that "together" face and on the inside falling apart.

A few weeks ago a friend emailed this to me...

Life is hard sometimes--

crazy, mixed-up, messed up.

And there you are,

in the middle of it all,

just doing your thing...

being strong and brave

and beautiful

like it's no big deal.

But let me tell you, girl,

it is.

Not everyone can do what you can do.

Not everyone can handle things the way you can.

And while you wonder sometimes

if you're doing okay...

the rest of us are just

watching in wonder.

It brought tears to my eyes. And, I guess the truth of it is we have become stronger because of our loss. I love differently because of losing him. I care more about people now. I listen more closely. I feel their pain like I never could before. I am more gentle. I am more compassionate. In the weeks right after he died I would get so made if people would tell me about their "petty" problems. I just didn't see how that mattered AT ALL. But, the longer I walk on this path the more I realize we all hurt. Some of us know the pain of holding our child in our arms as they pass from this world. Some of us know the pain of hearing the words "I can't find a heartbeat." Some of us know the pain of never conceiving on our own. And others know the pain of losing a spouse. Pain comes daily for a lot of people. The pain of rejection, the pain of being abused, the pain of stubbing your toe. My point is we ALL feel pain. And, I don't think my pain is worse than yours. I did in the beginning. But, as I have started to love people in a different way and see that their hearts hurt from their own burdens...I know I just have a different pain to deal with. Yes, I feel stronger than I was seven months ago. And, as each day passes I know that I really can live this life without my angel.

I will see him again.

I love you Trent!


Danae said...

You are strong. You are incredible. I have thought many times the same thoughts you are having. There are days I feel like I am not strong and people around me have incredible strength, and I wonder where that strength comes from. But there are also days where I feel the strength that those people have, and those are probably the days they wonder the same things that I wondered before. It's a cycle.

I wish no one ever had to feel pain, but from this pain comes compassion. Pain brings strength.

You are a beautiful, strong, amazing woman and mother, and even in the times where it hurts the most, never forget that. Sending you love and hugs!

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