my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

time

I was just laying in bed watching the minutes tick by on the clock. On nights like these I know that sleep will not come easily...if at all. As those minutes kept ticking by I thought of something my dad always said while I was pondering an answer to one of his questions "Hurry up honey, time is marching irrrvocably into the past." Those words were ringing in my ears tonight. I am not sure why. I know there is not way I can change the past...but, as time marches on sometimes I feel almost numb to the whole thing. I sometimes feel like I am still in the denial stage of grief. This couldn't be my life. These last seven months ... it must have all been a dream. But, the truth is it is not. I am here.

When Ken and I first started dating the Lifehouse song "You and Me" had just come out. The first time I heard it I knew it was "our" song. The words were so powerful to me. In those first few weeks and months with Ken every time we were together it felt like time stopped. It felt like nothing else in the world could matter. I used to think having a boyfriend was some kind of status symbol but, with Ken it didn't matter. We had nothing to prove to anyone. Because we meet and married so quickly people were looking to us to prove it...but, it was just him and me. No one else mattered. With Ken everything has always been easy. There has never been an awkard moment with him. And, my favorite thing of all is when he would tell me I was beautiful and that he couldn't keep his eyes off me. Every time I hear the song I still get that nervous - butterfly feeling in my stomach...just like the first times we kissed.

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive



Time time time time time...

We are obessed with it. There is not escaping it. I just want to catch my breath. I just want to stop...for a few hours and figure out what is happening. But, I can't. I am the treadmill of my life...chained to it. I can never get off and take a break. Sometimes I think that is what makes this whole grieving thing so very hard. There is not time to stop and really absorb what has happened. There was not enough time with our children. There was not enough time before we said goodbye. If time would just stop...just let me catch up with where life has taken me...maybe, maybe my heart could heal a little more.



Oh how I miss my sweet Trent. I wish that time would stop. I need a moment a lifetime for my heart to catch up to this reality.

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