my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, August 20, 2010


So, today I had an ultra sound of my boobs (breasts to be PC about it.) My OB ordered the test after my appt Tuesday. It was so strange being there for something other than seeing my baby. It was even stranger to have the gel squirrted all over my chest instead of my belly. I didn't cry. I don't know if it was because I am just so numb and drained after this week. (I have had a really hard week. Grief wise.) The tech did her intake asking how many pregnancies, how many live births, how many know the drill. I told her about my sweet Trent. I gave her the short version to keep my tears in check...although she teared up. The scan was long, VERY long. I have a small lump in my right breast and they were really having a hard time getting an image of it. The tech had to call in a higher-up to try and find it. They could both feel it...just couldn't get an image. After about an hour we finally got some good pictures. Let me tell you it is not nearly as exciting to see breast tissue as it is to see your baby! They measured the lump and I should know if I need further testing by next Wednesday. They also scanned the left breast because of all the milk. I have no idea what they were hoping to see...the secret "OFF" button hidden inside? But, either way I should hear from my doctor next week.

SUBJECT CHANGE ;) (didn't want to catch you off guard)

I was talking to a sweet girl last night at church. We had been in a meeting the day before together (the same meeting that bought on my angry eyes because of that stupid woman). She had told the crowd that she was 3 months pregnant. My eyes filled up with tears for her. Last night she apologized for saying anything. How do I even explain in words?? I am excited for her...I can't wait for her to experience all the things that I did. Hearing the heartbeat the first time, seeing the baby moving of the screen, feeling those little kicks, talking to your little angel, and finally having that precious child placed in your arms. I am excited for her. The problem becomes that people don't talk about babies or pregnancies with me...and I feel left out. I vowed at the very beginning of this journey of grief to not be bitter. I love kids. I love to hear stories of them! I want to be included in the joys of other people's helps me forget some of my pain. I have learned to love more fully since the death of Trent. I just wanted to grab her and hug her and pray over her belly. I want more than anything for that little angel to go home with her. I want that for everyone. This world that we live in is just not fair.

I guess all I am trying to say is to all my non-baby loss mama's or even the BLM's expecting their rainbow....know that I am not sad for you, mad at you, or wish any harm. Jealous? Yes! Happy for you? Yes! Praying for you? Yes! Just don't feel bad about talking about it with me. If I tear up know it is because I am thinking of my precious Trent. I would not trade all this pain to have never known him because he changed me forever.


Danae said...

First - I am sorry you had to do the ultrasound of your boobies (I'm not PC about I hope they figure out what the lump is, and all goes well. And I hope the found the secret "Off" switch to make the leakage stop.

I agree that it does hurt to be left out of baby conversation. Sometimes people don't realize that the things they try to "protect" us from, sometimes just makes it worse. You put it so well though with "Jealous? Yes! Happy for you? Yes! Praying for you? Yes! Just don't feel bad about talking about it with me."

Thinking of you, and wishing you a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your perspectives, Tricia. I have another friend grieving her precious little one as well and reading your thoughts helps me know how to deal with certain topics with her too. I know everyone handles grief differently, but I want to have a sensitive ear on the subject and I appreciate your honesty.

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