my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I received an email from someone who didn't like what I had to say...they did not leave a comment...just sent me an email...and I just want you to know that I am not heartless...I don't think that miscarriage is not a is just not what happened to the girl yesterday.

Yesterday I talked about the girl from Sam's. I said that it was "just a miscarriage." I just want to make sure you know I am not heartless when it comes to a miscarriage. I have had two since Trent was born. I know that a miscarriage is a very real loss. For me it came on quickly, crampy, and lots and lots of blood. There were many clots and more cramps and then it ended like a normal period. I did grieve over both of those. I felt like I had just flushed my would/should/could be child away. BUT, neither one of those were anything like giving birth to a live child and watching him die. When I said that I hated that people said that she had just had a miscarriage I was trying to say how much more she lost. She had a fully formed, fully grown, healthy baby that got caught up in his own cord and was strangled to death. It was NOT just a miscarriage. And, for the record I HATE the term "just a miscarriage." I think all of us who have suffered a loss know that nothing about this journey is "just" anything. Everything is awful. Everything is hard. Everything brings some sort of sadness or memory back. Nothing NOTHING is "just." It is all painful. Miscarriage, infant loss, losing the baby in the womb. All = the same thing...our children are not with us. Not one of them is fair. None of it makes sense. But, for me the miscarriages were slightly easier to deal with. And, easy really isn't the right word I just don't know how to say it. My point was that this poor girl lost her son. She left the hospital without him. And, two years later she is calling it a miscarriage. My heart is broken for her. I hate that people make us feel like we are not allowed to grieve our loss. I hate that people don't understand or don't think our child was ever here because they didn't hold them or see them or feel them move. As a mom, I KNOW that Trent was real. I know that his entire life was stolen away from me. I know that my life will never ever be the same.


Jamie said...

Try not to let this eat you up. You know how difficult emotions are attached to infant loss, and while you didn't intend to say what was perceived, someone's heart must have been extremely sensitive when reading this. This is an unfamiliar road that you are learning on along the way. If anyone reads your blog or knows you, they know you do not have a malicious heart.

Ethansmommy said...

Oh Trisha!
I went and re-read your Sam's post and to me it is very clear what you were trying to say! Please don't let that email get to you. A lot BLMs have also experienced a miscarriage, including me and I completely agree with you. They do not compare. It's a entirely different kind of pain! Hugs to you my dear!

Anonymous said...

I knew what you were saying - and I'm sure others knew too. You weren't saying YOU thought that a miscarriage is 'just a miscarriage' - you were saying other people who don't understand loss say 'just a miscarriage'. The sort of people that don't realise that even at 14 weeks 2 days my son had arms and legs and fingernails and ears and was extremely handsome. The sort of people that don't think about what miscarrying is - that often it means birthing a small baby. The people that think the label 'miscarriage' is meaningless and would have been more comforting to this girl than saying her son died - and don't realise that it feels better to say and acknowledge that your child has died than to try to label it as 'just' a miscarriage. Please don't let the email get to you!

I note the person who misunderstood you emailed, so maybe they're going through something and their heart hurts so he or she is being sensitive about these things. It would feel more malicious to me if it was a comment, out publicly for all to read. I hate to think someone is hurting like that, but I can't think someone would misunderstand you in other circumstance unless they really know nothing about this - and in which case why bother emailing/commenting/visiting your space? I hope this person can find some peace.


Sherry said...

Unless you're unlucky enough to have both a miscarriage and infant loss, like us, you will never be able to grasp how profound the grief is when you actually give birth to a baby and not come home with him/her. I had an early miscarriage befor my twin pregnancy, and I was truly devastated. It didn't help that I had to get a D&C because it wasn't coming all out...And then I lost Brandon. There's absolutely no comparison to how that feels. Like you, I feel that I got over my miscarriage. But I will never get over Brandon's death.

Suzy said...

people who have never experienced stillbirth just DO NOT GET IT. I, the same as you, have experienced both miscarriage and stillbirth. The stillbirth almost killed me, killed my spirit. It utterly devastatd my world. The miscarriages in comparison were a small loss.

I feel the same as you, I do not ever want to refer to someones loss as "just" a miscarriage, but the plain and simple fact of the matter is that it is NOT the same as a stillbirth. It is like saying to someone who just ate an apple "you ate an orange". Its just NOT THE SAME.

Dont let it get to you. You did a lovely thing.

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