my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

knowing

You know that old saying if I knew then what I know now

I don't think I would want to live in that world...

i am not sure in that world much would make sense...even if we knew it all...

Here is what I know:

I know that i no longer run from my emotions. I no longer hide behind this fake, happy exterior so that the world will never see the real pain. I know that there has been a storm brewing in my heart for a very long time...and with the death of my son I could no longer contain it. I have been deeply hurt in my life. I used to hide all of this. I would hide the things that scared me...the things that would make me vulnerable. If you didn't know them you couldn't use them against me. I let my brother use my own insecurities against me for far too long. I refused to let anyone else. But, I know now...I am stronger in sharing my weaknesses. I am more whole than I ever was when I hid in the shadows of that storm. I know that my heart hurts...and it is okay to share that with people. I know that my weakness is not my insecurity but, rather what pushes me forward. I know that my biggest fear in life has already come to pass. I have lost my child. There is nothing worse. There is nothing NOTHING that can bring more pain. There is nothing left to be scared of. Am I still insecure? Yes. Do I still bottle up my emotions? Yes. But, I have changed. so. much.

On December 30, 2009 I sat in the Orlando International Airport waiting for a plane to take me back to the life I knew. The life of hope and promise. The life that included my son. I now know that that world was not meant to be. I am not going to say "it was God's plan" I HATE THAT! I don't believe that God's plan was for this beautiful boy to die. I don't believe that I serve a God that is that cruel. I don't think that it is fair to assume that Trent's plan was death and yours was life. I know now that Trent's story was 22 minutes. That was his life. That is what he got. And, he lived it to the fullest he knew how. He rested on his mother's chest, he felt the hands of both of his grandmothers, he felt the lips of his mother on his cheek, he felt the sweet caress of his aunt, he held his mommies hand, he breathed in the air around him, he fought as long as he could. He experienced the world in every way his little body would let him. That is his story. That is his life. All of it. But, my life is not over. My story is not done being written. God is still working on my story. It is changing every single day. HE GAVE me my son. He didn't take him away. He GAVE him a life. A beautiful, wonderful life. A life filled with love and happiness. Do I miss him? every. single. second. But, he did it...he lived...he was here. His life was fuller than I can even imagine mine could ever be. He never knew my pain. He never cried tears. He never hid his emotions. He lived. My son is gone. Forever. But, I am still here.

I now know that I must go on. There are days when I don't think that is possible, fair, or even likely. But, I must. My story is not over yet. Trent has become the star of my story. He has become the reason I have found the good hidden behind the bad. He is the reason I know that God is good...HE created my beautiful son. I know that I have to get up, face the world, and try my very best to make a difference. I now know that it is okay to look people in the eye. I have nothing left to hide. I know that I am worth something. I matter. I know that I am Trent's mom. I know that my son will forever be with me. And, most importantly I know the next time I see him I will NEVER have to say goodbye. I know that I have nothing left to fear.

I know life sucks, hurts, screws you over, slaps you in the face, kicks you while you are down, pees in your cheerios, gets your panties in a bunch....but, I know I can survive it all.

I have.

I will.

1 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

Thank you for posting this. It was really important for me to hear you being so optimistic and determined. <3 You amaze me.

Post a Comment

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved