my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

me?

Do you ever wonder how people describe you?

I was thinking tonight about all the different "people" I have been in my life. All the ways that others might remember me. There have been so many things that have defined me along the way. The first one that comes to mind (of course) is 'the fat girl.' But, when I started middle school I was called 'Doug's younger sister' (thank goodness he dropped out and I could go on with my life) I was known as 'one of the Wilhite's' I imagine there are quite a few boys that would call me 'the annoying girl with the major crush on me.' Somewhere along the way I became 'the girl that plays the flute' or 'the girl in the marching band' or maybe even, 'ken's wife.' In college the 'RD' or 'the one who works with the youth' 'the girl on the radio'
There are so many ...

I will always be a daughter in my parents eyes, a sister to my siblings, an aunt to my nieces and nephews, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my in-laws. But, what about the rest of the world.

Who am I to you?

Am I the one who lost her son? I think that is the most profound title I will ever carry. I think it is the one that has molded me and will mold me from here on out. I think that when people think of me it will always be there...which means my sweet Trent will be there. But, can I be more?

Can I be Trent's mom without the tears? Can I be the woman that loves her son with everything she has? Can I be known as the one who had 22 minutes that changed her forever? Will you ever think of me as the lucky one for getting to hold that precious boy? Will you ever see me as God picked to be his mommy?

It is such a fine line I walk between grief and hope. It is a daily struggle to figure out which side of the line I am on. I miss my son more than words can say. But, I want people to know 'i am a mommy.' I want that to be in your head along with everything else. My life became harder than I can explain eight and a half months ago. I have cried more tears, doubted myself, beat myself up, wished for death, lived for nothing, hated myself, questioned God, wondered why...but, does that define me?

Which part of the line defines me?

So, how would you describe me?

Who am I to you?

7 comments:

tasivfer said...

To me you're a mother. And I mean that in the sense of you being someone to takes care of people: you are a mother to Trent, you are a mother to people you minister for, you're a bit of a combination big sis/mother to your younger sister, and I'm certain one day you'll be the mother of a child on this earth. I think it's just who you are and a large part of how you react to people. If you weren't a mother, you wouldn't be feeling this pain. If you weren't a mother you wouldn't reach out to people in the way you do. However I only know you from here, of course!

Trisha said...

thank you...that is the title i have wanted more than anything in my life

Jamie said...

Okay, here goes. I knew you as a fellow flute player, but one that was fun to be around and always made me smile. I didn't even realize you were one of a bunch until reconnecting with you on FB! And while you may have been "the fat girl", I never saw you that way because my mom struggled with weight enough her entire life to realize the importance of teaching us that your weight or waist line doesn't define who you are. I see you as a mother, but one that it doesn't seem fair that any woman should have to be. One that has had to say goodbye to her child, even before you had the chance to record milestones in the scrapbook or video "firsts". I see you as a servant through the work that you do, but mostly through opening this painful part of your life to share with others so that we can understand a little better. What trumps what I see, though, is that you are not defined by any of this because of Christ Jesus. You are simply His. He made you and loves you, and He is using you. And like you've been able to recognize already, He is using Trent, too. You understand His suffering because you, too, had your only son on this earth for a moment. You can understand His love for us better than most. I don't think that is a job anyone would choose because of the suffering it requires, but He finds you capable of carrying that burden and using it for His glory. You are doing that, and I'm sure He is proud of you. I also think that Trent is proud of his Mommy and can't wait to tell you that when you are able to be together again.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:17

Lucid Anne said...

You're a beautiful mother of a beautiful baby whom I truly identify with in every post. <3

michelle hs said...

you are an inspiration. you encourage me to continue on my own weight loss journey toward a healthy lifestyle.
you are a mommy to trent - a mommy that struggles with how to love a baby who is waiting for her on the other side of heaven. you are a mommy who helps me feel a little more normal when i read your posts.
you are a bloggy friend who encourages without even knowing you are encouraging.
you are these and so much more. thank you for being you - perfect just the way you are, but not settling for any less than the best you can possibly be.

Anonymous said...

you are a great mother and friend I think that we started our friend ship in middle school I have always thought that you were the sweeiest person that I had ever met,We had some really good times when we were kids but I always looked up to you for being the strong person that you are, Trent loves you and wants you to be stong and share your story.Trish GOD has big Plans for you.

Danae said...

You are a beautiful mommy who just happens to be going through one of the most difficult things anyone ever has to go through in life.

You are a friend to me. Your kind words always brighten my day.

You are amazing and you are you.

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