Do you ever wonder how people describe you?
I was thinking tonight about all the different "people" I have been in my life. All the ways that others might remember me. There have been so many things that have defined me along the way. The first one that comes to mind (of course) is 'the fat girl.' But, when I started middle school I was called 'Doug's younger sister' (thank goodness he dropped out and I could go on with my life) I was known as 'one of the Wilhite's' I imagine there are quite a few boys that would call me 'the annoying girl with the major crush on me.' Somewhere along the way I became 'the girl that plays the flute' or 'the girl in the marching band' or maybe even, 'ken's wife.' In college the 'RD' or 'the one who works with the youth' 'the girl on the radio'
There are so many ...
I will always be a daughter in my parents eyes, a sister to my siblings, an aunt to my nieces and nephews, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my in-laws. But, what about the rest of the world.
Who am I to you?
Am I the one who lost her son? I think that is the most profound title I will ever carry. I think it is the one that has molded me and will mold me from here on out. I think that when people think of me it will always be there...which means my sweet Trent will be there. But, can I be more?
Can I be Trent's mom without the tears? Can I be the woman that loves her son with everything she has? Can I be known as the one who had 22 minutes that changed her forever? Will you ever think of me as the lucky one for getting to hold that precious boy? Will you ever see me as God picked to be his mommy?
It is such a fine line I walk between grief and hope. It is a daily struggle to figure out which side of the line I am on. I miss my son more than words can say. But, I want people to know 'i am a mommy.' I want that to be in your head along with everything else. My life became harder than I can explain eight and a half months ago. I have cried more tears, doubted myself, beat myself up, wished for death, lived for nothing, hated myself, questioned God, wondered why...but, does that define me?
Which part of the line defines me?
So, how would you describe me?
Who am I to you?