my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, September 17, 2010

out of these ashes

There are moments that will haunt me...and at the same time be the greatest thing I have ever witnessed. I think about Trent a hundred maybe even a thousand times a day. But, some days thoughts will creep up on me like, 'i held my child as he took his last breath' 'all i have left is ashes' There are moments when the grief is so intense it circles me and I can't find a way out. In those moments I can't see that there will ever be good again. In those moments I can't breath, my chest is heavy, and the hot tears just won't stop. I will tell you it happens less often now. It used to be a daily event.

This morning as I was driving to work I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise." When I hear any off the music of his new CD I feel connected to him. I feel like I am walking the same grief stricken path he is...and I am...we both lost a child. He lost his 5 year old little girl when his oldest son accidentally backed over her. I always think "I can't imagine." And, I get that statement so so often when I share Trent's story. I know you can't imagine. But, I can...actually I don't have to ... I have lived it. My heart knows a pain greater than anything I have ever experienced before. My son died in my arms.

As I heard this song this morning a line just stuck with me...I kept saying it over and over in my head..."

out of these ashes...beauty will rise

The number of times I have thought of Trent's little ashes I could never imagine beauty rising. But, today as I drove and said that over and over I can see the beauty that has risen. I can see that I have grown into a woman with compassion I never had before. I listen instead of waiting to be listened to. My heart hurts with others. My life feels like it has meaning because of my sweet boy. For so many years I felt like my life must have been a joke. I was sure I was not supposed to be here. But, I am. I am here to be Trent's mommy. I am here to live this life to the fullest. I am here to watch the beauty rise from his little life.

In the past week or so I have had so many emails, calls, texts, and people that I see in person use the word "inspiration." I can't even fathom anyone thinking of me as an inspiration...especially when it comes to physical beauty. But, as people have watched my weight loss journey and watched me transform into a new person...I think they see the beauty that is rising too. I think they see the new me...the one who has loved with everything inside and lost with greater pain that can be explained. I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the love and support I have received in the last year...with Trent, with my heart, and now with my new self.

I have never NEVER felt beautiful or even pretty...but, this morning as I listened to those lyrics all I could think was, "my sweet baby boy...out of you ashes...a beautiful new mommy has emerged."

Here are the lyrics from a grieving dad...


It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/beauty-will-rise-lyrics-steven-curtis-chapman.html ]

It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that He's made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise

3 comments:

Jamie said...

I was just sharing your weight loss journey with Adam yesterday. God can use our hurts, sorrows, and losses and bring good out of them. You finally saw yourself worthy of taking care of yourself better, and yes, that is inspiring! You tried everything but could never find anything that worked for you, until Trent. He inspired you. He made you feel worth it. He is so proud of you, smiling down on you, for loving yourself as much as he loves you, as much as Ken loves you. So proud of you! And still praying for you!

Heather said...

I just love that album.

Trent's life had so much purpose, and you are absolutely right - beauty will rise from his too short life. It sounds like it already is. :) One song I love that really meant so much to me in the beginning was "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick. It has a similar message.

Michelle said...

l love that song!!

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