my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, October 30, 2010

deja vu

I am having deja vu...

this time last year I was pregnant...

Halloween last year I was dreaming of what my sweet baby would be this Halloween. I didn't know that Trent was a boy yet so, I didn't buy any of the 75% off custom es for sale after it was over. I can't help but dream what this little sprinkle will be next year. It scares me to be thinking ahead...but, how can I not.

Last year at this time I was thinking about how this Christmas would be his first Christmas...now I can't help but think how next year we will have a little one.

I see the high risk OB on Tuesday. He will do a full prenatal work up. I will have another ultra sound. I will go back to my normal OB on the 22 and we will schedule surgery then. My cerclage will be placed in the 14th week. That will be the week of December 5th. I am so nervous and so excited all at the same time.

The dreaming of a future with a child is so hard when you know that it may just not come true....

missing my sweet boy...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

drain

This weekend was very draining for me...and this time not emotionally...physically. I started feeling sick to my stomach Saturday afternoon. I was camped out in the bathroom for the whole afternoon. (it was not pretty) I started throwing up around 1 am. It was coming from both ends...nasty YES!! I just sat in the shower with the cold water hitting me waiting on the next wave of vomit to come...I would then have to get out and go to the toilet for the other end...I will spare you the details. This went on until about 8:30 am. I was so sick. I could barely move. I finally climbed back into bed and asked Ken to get me some water. He did...and it came right back up. This dance of him bringing me water and me going straight back to the bathroom continued until about 6pm. I had no sleep, no food, no water...I could barely hold my head up. I decided this was much more than pregnancy and went to the ER. Yep, dehydrated...duh I had been puking for 26 hours... They admitted me and pumped me full of fluids and anit-nausea meds for a few hours. They did labs and made sure the baby was okay...it is! They finally told me I had the flu and a UTI...gave me antibiotics and said I could go home when I felt ready. I was ready!! Bottom line --- I feel MUCH better today...a full night sleep and fluids can change your life!!! I kept laying in the hospital bed waiting for myself to freak out...you know back in the hospital...IV...pregnant...scared...but, it never came. I felt secure that this little sprinkle was fine. I knew this visit was about me...me was sick!

I went into work late today. I was pretty much dragging this morning. I have been on progesterone since my fist labs at 5 weeks. There is only ONE pharmacy in town that makes the suppositories...and they SUCK! The first day my doctor called it in and said to go over and give them my info so they could put me into the computer. I left work and went right over, 10 am. The girl says it will be 15-20 mins do I want to wait? Yes, I will wait. 20 mins later they call me up and tell me it will be 2 hours. Okay...I will go back to work. 3 hours later I go back...it will be 2 more hours...REALLY??? What if I sit and wait??? It will be 1 hour. So, I come back in 2 hours. It is still not ready...but, this time it will be 15-20 mins. I wait...35 mins later it is ready. SERIOUSLY mad at this point. They can't get my insurance card to go through so I just pay the 30 bucks and go.

I call in my refill on Friday..."you don't have any refills" "YES I DO!! The doctor called in FOUR of them!!!" "let me check" 10 minutes later...you are right...we will refill it for you. It will be ready Saturday...well, I didn't pick it up because of the mentioned sickness above. I opted to drop off my antibiotics and Zofran at this SAME pharmacy today so that I could just pick them all up together. DUMB idea!!

But, all of that is to say this...of course it took them 4 hours to fill the two drugs and then over an hour of me waiting while they tried to get my insurance to work...I told them 15 times they had to enter it under my husband's social...but, no one listens to me...

Okay...here is why this all matters. I was sitting WAITING and another woman sits down next to me...they had screwed her script up too...we started talking and of course came to the topic of me being pregnant. The questions began and I quickly explained about Trent. She told me that 4 years ago she lost her 13 year old son. She has an 18 month old and a 3 year old. She got pregnant at 16 with her son. I asked what happened. She told me that he had kidney failure. I asked if he had battled it long. She told me that when he was two he was bit by an ant and had a severe allergic reaction. They did not expect him to live for very long. He spent months in the hospital. When the doctors finally told her he had 24 hours to live her father-in-law says this, "You need to just go. You are too young for all of this. We will handle it. Just go live your life and forget about all this." She told me this 15 years later with tears in her eyes. Her son did live...and she stayed right there beside him. He lived for 11 more years. yes, he was sick. Yes, he lost the battle. But, she never left his side.

WHY do people say such awful things? Why do people think it is okay to minimize our grief? Here is this 17 year old mom who has just been told her son is going to die and her father in law tells her to just go live life...like it is no big deal. Some days I feel like that is what the world wants from us. Just forget about it. Just go on. So what your kid died? So what??? It makes me crazy! It hurts my heart. All I want is for his life to matter...

This was a crazy long post just to tell you 2 things...1. the sprinkle is still fine and mommy is much better! 2. why does it never seem to be okay to grieve??

Friday, October 22, 2010

questions

the words will never be easy.

the questions will never come with an easy answer.

I picked up all Trent's things from storage today. Ken's anut and cousin packed it all up after he was born and put it into storage for us. I knew I could not come home from the hospital with empty arms and a home full of baby things. I was so grateful that they packed it all up for me. It was hard to see it all today. It was hard to think back through the excitment that went with each purchase. It was even harder to think about all that I missed.

This new baby will never take Trent's place. The questions people ask me are hard. The words to answer are even harder...

Is this your first pregnancy???

Nope, it is my 4th. I have a son that lived for only 22 minutes and 2 very early misscarriages. I am not sure anyone is expecting that answer. I think most people just want the feel good answer, "Yes, we are so excited!!" "No, it is our second, but we can't wait!" But, for Ken and I our answer is not an easy one.

When are you due???

June 9th...but, I have no idea how far I will carry this baby because I have an incompetent cervix. I am not sure I will make it to 40 weeks but if I can carry to 30 weeks I will be praising God. Again, most people are just looking for a date...and most times I just give it to them. But, what does a due date really mean? For me...nothing. Not when i know how easy and common it is to give birth to a baby too early.

Do you know what you are having???

A baby. And, really if it is healthy and alive when I leave the hospital that is all that matters. People get so caught up in boy or girl. And, I do understand how importnant that little fact is once your child is here...but, I can't even express how much more importnant it is to bring that baby home. I need this baby to be alive...boy or girl....cute or ugly...fat or skinny...ALIVE...that is what I am aksing for.

Why can't I enjoy this???

Why can't I let myself get excited???

Why can't I dream of rocking my little one to sleep???

because I know this world too well now...

I have read this before...but, saw it again today....it still applies...

Don't tell me "things happen for a reason."
Don't tell me to "keep busy" and "move on."
Don't tell me that you "know exactly how I feel."
Don't tell me that it was "too hard" for YOU to talk to ME about the death of MY baby boy.
Don't tell me that YOU feel "uncomfortable"looking at his picture or calling me on his birthday."
Don't ask me about other children.
Don't SAY anything to try to make me feel better.
Hug me.
Listen to me.
Sit quietly with me.
Let me cry.
Smile when you look at his picture.
Help me plant a tree in his memory.
Allow me to sit in the rocking chair in the nursery.
Light a candle.
Release a balloon.
Walk with me on my journey.
Remember him forever.
~author unknown

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

up and down

oh this roller coaster is so not easy...

today I heard one of the most precious sounds of my life...

the heartbeat of our rainbow baby...

it instantly took me back to the last time I heard Trent's...

The morning he was born the nurses changed shifts at 7am. When the new nurses came in around 7:30 they listened for his heart beat one more time...it was the last time I heard that fast, strong sound. I miss knowing he was safe inside. I miss him so very much. The last time they took his heartbeat he was perfect, happy, strong. Then he was born and fought so hard for his life. The nurse checked his heart again at 8:32am...he was gone.

The joy was overwhelming today...the pain was the same...

will I make it though this???

my anxiety levels are high...very very high.

Five days after Trent was born I started on Prozac...over the next few months my psychiatrist worked hard to get me on the right combo of pills so that I could function in life again...for the last five or so months I have been on 3 Prozac (60mg), 2 Welbutrin (300mg), 4 Trazadone (200mg), and clonazapam for anxiety as needed...these are just the crazy pills I take others too...but, I gave them all up when I found out I was pregnant again. I have been doing okay up until a few days ago. I am thinking that the drugs were still in my system...they are not anymore...and I am not doing well. Yes, I am thrilled about our new baby. But, I can't get control of my anxiety. I feel helpless and hopeless. I see my OB next Wed and I am hoping there is something I can take for anxiety while pregnant.

I keep telling myself that I should be strong enough to just deal with it and not need pills...but, that is not me...anymore. I have suffered to much. I just can't deal anymore...without help that is.

But, the good news is...

the sprinkle stuck...

Monday, October 18, 2010

filter

I am prejudice. Not against race, size, sexuality, age, none of the common ones...I am prejudice in my beliefs. I don't believe in happy endings. I don't believe we can do anything we set our minds too. I believe we were lied to...a lot.

Everything we experience in life adds to our filter. Everything we see, touch, taste, feel, smell...it all goes through our filter. That filter is made up of experiences from our life. My filter has become very skewed. Every conversation I have goes through my filter of "my son died." It changes the way I view every single thing in the world. My filter has changed many times over the years. But, this one seems to be the most significant.

I process every piece of information through the filter that includes that awful piece of information. I can't leave it out. This makes somethings more amazing than they should be and other things hurt more than they should. This morning while I church I had the precious opportunity to rock a sweet little girl to sleep. As I watched her little eyes grow heavy and listened to her breathing become regular...I felt like I was in the presence of God. This little angel is the little sister to a beautiful angel in heaven. Her parents know the pain that Ken and I filter everything through. They know what it means to say goodbye. They know the awful decisions that follow the death of your child. But, they also know the amazing peace that comes with rocking your second child to sleep. I grew teary eyed today as I thought about the rainbow baby God is knitting together in my womb. I pray that I will bring this little miracle home and rock her (I really feel like it is a girl) to sleep every night. I will hold her in my arms and know that her big bother is watching from above. I know that God will give me the joy that has been lacking in this grief. I would not trade my pain...because that would mean I would trade my sweet Trent. But, I am looking forward to the moment I get to walk out of the hospital with a living child in my arms.

In that same nursery today the lady that was with me told me she thought God was taunting me with Trent. Let's just say her filter is filled with bitter, resentful feelings. She really means well. And, she truly cares about Ken and I. But, her filter is a little strange. She said she believes that this baby will be the one we bring home. She says she can not understand why God would pick a couple like us to taunt with children. Does God taunt? I am not sure I believe that. I don't think God taunted me with Trent. I think He gave him to me for a beautiful, short period of time. I believe that Trent's life will live on in my heart and yours. I don't think God was taunting me.

My life was complete when I held my son. My heart was fuller than I ever knew it could be. I am beyond blessed to be carrying another gift from God...

If we are having a little boy (which Ken believes it is) ...

Ian Kenneth

and if we are having a little girl (which is what I believe)...

Jane Bethany

both mean "gift from God" and truly this little one is.

Did I mention we have $100 going on which one it is??

Sunday, October 17, 2010

life sucks sometimes

This is not an easy life.

I would not wish this life on anyone. But, the sad reality is it happens every single day. There are hundreds of woman in the next few weeks and months that will discover this pain. They will learn what it means to have the sacred ripped from their arms. They will learn of a pain so raw and overwhelming that words can not explain it. They will watch as their child is taken away never to return. They will never know the sound of that child's first word. They will never have the opportunity to watch that child grow up. And, neither will I.

I know that my pain is not any greater than yours. I know that my story is not any harder. But, it is mine.

I was watching the Today show last week and they were interviewing an author who just wrote a book about her journey through cancer. She said that she sat next to someone on a plane and he said to her, "don't hog your story." This statement changed her life.

I get much criticism for sharing my pain and journey. I have people who can't understand why I would want to be so transparent with this pain. I have people who don't seem to understand putting my most vulnerable, painful thoughts on the line for strangers and friends to read. I didn't either. But, I know that this blog has been the most healing thing in my journey. And, I think it is because I am not hogging my story. My story is painful, hard, sad, mean, unfair, and sometimes there is a little joy mixed in. In the months since Trent was born and died I have had many, MANY people "unfriend" me on facebook. I have some that have told me to my face they could not handle the pain of my posts and others I have learned from other people. But, the bottom line is...they don't like my story anymore. My story makes them uncomfortable. My story reminds them this life is not rainbows and butterflies.

Why should I hide this loss? Why should I not mention my son? WHY?

There is no reason except to protect people from the reality of the world.

This world sucks.

Plain and simple.

Life sucks.

But, my hope is that by sharing this journey with you I find healing. By laying my heart out on the line I show someone, somewhere that God is still at work. By bringing my insecurities, my fears, my guilt, my agony to the table...I will praise Him in the middle of it all.

I am sorry if my story offends you.

I am sorry if you wish I was writing about dancing in a field of flowers.

But, I hope that if you ever come to a point that your heart hurts more than you knew it could...you will think of me...and maybe just maybe ... remember that even in the midst of losing my first born son...I can praise Him.

This pain is real, harsh, and all consuming.

But, my God, has never left me.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

worry wart

I worry.

A lot.

I always have.

But, this time it seems like the stakes are a bit higher...life and death.

I am beyond thrilled to be carrying this little sprinkle. There are so many emotions that come along with it...the one I have struggled with this week the most has been guilt. I feel guilty that I am excited again. I feel like I am betraying Trent. But, I have decieded that it is far enough after his birth that the phrase "if Trent would have lived you would not have this baby" can not be used. Trent would be 9 months old if he lived from his birthday and 6 months old if he would have made it to his due date. Either one of these ages would be sufficient for Ken and I to have started trying again. Would we have? I have no idea. But, I know that we can't say that we would not be pregnant again because I would have still been carrying Trent. I just don't want this baby growing up thinking we only had it to replace it's big brother. Not so. Ken and I have wanted kids since before we were married. Our first son is in heaven and we hope this one will come home with us...

Speaking of babies...can you believe how fertile I am in 2010???? 4 pregnancies...Trent, checmical pregnancy in May, miscarriage in August, and now this sprinkle. Umh...I am thinking the doctors who told me I would never get pregnant were a little mistaken ;)

I guess the whole "if you lose weight your fertility chances will rise" was not a joke after all.

Bottom line... I am thrilled and scared to death.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

lab results

Blood work came back...

HCG 12,000...great #!!

Progestrone up to 12.5!!! We needed it to be at 10...so that is GREAT!!!

Thank you Lord!!!

We will get to see our little sprinkle via ultrasound next Wednesday at 2:00 pm.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

grief

The aftermath of death is never ending.

It never stops.

The pain, the heartache, the tears...they never stop.

I think about those precious moments I got to hold my son...my whole life laid in my arms and I couldn't fight hard enough to keep him here. I loved that sweet boy more than anything in this whole world.

While in Florida I realized how selfish my grief had been. I forgot how the death of Trent affected so many others. His life was not just stolen from me or from Ken...it was taken from everyone. All of them...all of you. You will never get to hold my sweet boy...at least not on this side of heaven. He was so perfect, so beautiful. I wish so badly you could have stood beside me that day and held him. I wish you could have watched him take his mommies hand, breath, kick his little legs. I wish you could have known him...

My grief has been so all consuming I missed everyone elses...

Trent died on January 5th. We had a memorial service for him on the 6th. It was a beautiful service. We had it at the chapel at the hospital. Ken's parents were there, my dad, my older brother, two of my sisters and their husbands. My mom and youngest sister could not be there (there were legal reasons). We never all got to grieve together. At the time I didn't even notice...but, on this trip home I saw what an important step that was that we missed.

On Sunday morning I attended church with my family. They all attend the Beachside Church in Ormond Beach, Fl. It is the church Ken and I attended before we moved. I love that church. I rode with Cassie and Aubree to church and we were running late. I walked in without really being in a place to worship. I haven't been to church in a while. I have been too mad. I hate to admit that...but, I have. I have been mad at God. I can't remember the music that morning...except that it was a new worship pastor and I was not really into his song choices. The message was given and focused on Job. Many many times I thought of Job and his struggles as I walked through this life without my son. I know what it feels like to have God take everything sacred away from you. At the end of the sermon the pastor asked us to forgive God. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how. I don't know where to start. But, the tears were flowing. I had a few different people come up and hug me from behind. People who follow my story here...people who have grieved for Trent. My sisters and mom cried with me. Finally the pastor's wife came and asked if she could pray with us. It was one of the most healing moments of my life. To sit in a room and weep with my mom and sister...to let them know that I hurt so bad every single day for my son. To watch them hurt for him... to know that I have not been walking alone. That afternoon my youngest sister, Bridget was baptized in the ocean. As we walked to the beach my niece, Ella, said to me, "I want to hold you hand because Trent died." I told her that was just fine. She said to me, "I wish he would not have died. I wish he were here...I would be his best friend." I told her I thought that would be wonderful but that he was already in heaven. She told me, "I know, I can't wait to get to heaven to meet him...I want to see if he is bald like uncle danny." Oh that precious girl...even at 4 she is missing her cousin.

Everyone lost a huge part of their lives that day. I wish I could have changed it. I hate that I have brought pain to their hearts. But, to know they have loved my son...still love my son...means so much to me.

I miss that precious boy...

but, I would not give up the last year of pain to erase his short life. It has all been worth it.

To bear the name "mother" because of my angel...

it is all worth it...

but, the pain will never end...

the grief will last until I see him again...

this baby that I am carrying now will never fill his spot...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

counting

6 weeks pregnant today...

it is so strange to be counting again...

I mean counting in a good way.

I had a lot of people ask why I went ahead and shared the news we were expecting...instead of waiting. Why not? I kept it to myself for a few days and then realized how unfair it is to this little sprinkle (at six weeks my baby is the size of a sprinkle on an ice cream sundae) to hide it. Yes, we have been through a very tramautic loss this year.

Trent will always be our first born son. We will miss him every single day. Our family will never be complete. He will be missing from every family picture, memory, moment, everything!!

I am beyond blessed to be carrying this rainbow!!

I had bad news from the doctor yesterday...my progestrone levels are low. My beta/HCG levels were great but the progestrone was low. They started me on progestrone suppositories yesterday. I am praying they do the trick. I know how devastating loss is...I just don't want to live it again.

Hang on my little sprinkle!!!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

one more rainbow


5 weeks and 2 days pregnant...

this one feels good...

i am excited...

i know i should guard my heart a little...

but, this little one is growing (and making me very sick)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

36 hours

I am home.

My flight arrived in a little late and after wandering the parking lot trying to remember where in the world I parked my car...I made it safely home into the arms of my husband. I don't remember much after that. His alarm went off at 7am yesterday morning. It woke me up...I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. I quickly sent an email to my 10am meeting letting them know I needed to reschedule. My phone rang and buzzed with texts throughout the day...but, I don't remember answering or responding to any of them. Ken arrived home at 4:30 yesterday afternoon and I had not moved from the spot he left me at 7:30 am. I slept the entire day. He woke me up with a big glass of water and told me I needed to drink some. I feel right back to sleep. He woke me back up around 8pm and told me I had to eat something and take some medicine. I did and went right back to sleep. I think he returned some calls for me, I think he answered some texts, I can't remember much at all. I begged him to take me to the hospital. I just wanted them to hook me up to some kind of meds to make the pain stop. I can't tell you if it was my heart that hurt or my body. It felt like both. I can't tell you if it was grief or sickness. I can't tell you why I slept for 36 hours straight. But, I did. I woke up this morning with the same sick feeling. I forced myself up and to the shower. I drank a cup of coffee and headed to work. I have been at my desk since about 8:30am. I have felt very productive. But, at the same time I am so very numb. I can't feel my fingers, toes, lips, anything. I have a doctors appt at 1:45. I can barely see through the haze that has become my brain.

I am numb.

The trip was not that bad.

I think that I may have told my dad goodbye. I am not sure I will see him alive again. He is so very sick. I can't figure out how to deal with that.

I grieved with my family for Trent.

My heart ached for him.

My body is exhausted from 9 months of missing him. I feel like when I got off that plane Tuesday night I could not hold it together any longer.

My body shut down yesterday...I am not sure it has done this before. But, for once, I listened to it. I needed to just sleep.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

9 months

As I sit in the Jacksonville airport on the nine month mark....I am overwhelmed.

I can't help but think what should be today....

A bouncing baby boy giggling at his mommy...

A family sad to see their little nephew/grandson leave...

Instead this weekend has been filled with so many tears...

Healing tears, painful tears, tears of hope for the future...

This weekend I found out how selfish grief really is. I have been so consumed with the pain in my heart I missed the pain of every one else. They all lost a part of them that day. My entire family, on both sides, have grieved for my son. I have been so overcome I couldn't see the pain they had for him...for me...for Ken.

I have so much more to write...but, it is time to board my flight

Back to the life I have been forced to live without Trent

Back to the most amazing man I know


I miss you so so much sweet boy!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

names







While I am in Florida visiting my family I am writing our angel's names in the sand.

I will only be here until Tuesday so please let me know if you want one!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Angel names

I plan to write Trent's name in the sand on my home town beach tomorrow....

If you want one for your angel please let me know

Safe and sound

6 anxiety pills later...

I arrived "home"

I feel like Texas is home but Daytona is home home. I learned to drive here, graduated high school, went to college, meet my amazing husband, and married him. My family is here. My friends (some of them) are here. I can go anywhere and not get lost...two years living in Midland and I still get lost! This is home.

What is that saying....home is where the heart is....

Maybe that is why in a strange way I feel closer to my sweet boy here. This is the last place I had him with me. I am staying at my sister Kristen's tonight...we spent our one and only Christmas , with Trent safe and sound in my belly, here. The last moments of innocence was spent in this house. The last nights of sleeping with no nightmares. This is the last place I had him with me. But, it is also the house I returned to when I was released from the hospital. This is where I came when my whole world had ended. This is the bed I slept in the night my milk came in. This is the room where Ken reached out to hold his wife and I turned away and wept....I couldn't let him feel my empty womb. It was all my fault that his son was no longer there. This is the house they brought me his ashes to. This is the house that, with tears in her eyes, my mom took that tiny bag of ashes and kissed her grandson goodbye.

Why me? Why us? Why our children? I so wish I could fix this....I wish I had him right here next to me. I wish I could here the soft sounds of him sleeping. I wish I could touch his cheek just once more. I wish I could kiss his head as I drift off to sleep tonight.

My son is dead.

But, for some reason I feel closer to him tonight.
 
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