my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, October 7, 2010

36 hours

I am home.

My flight arrived in a little late and after wandering the parking lot trying to remember where in the world I parked my car...I made it safely home into the arms of my husband. I don't remember much after that. His alarm went off at 7am yesterday morning. It woke me up...I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. I quickly sent an email to my 10am meeting letting them know I needed to reschedule. My phone rang and buzzed with texts throughout the day...but, I don't remember answering or responding to any of them. Ken arrived home at 4:30 yesterday afternoon and I had not moved from the spot he left me at 7:30 am. I slept the entire day. He woke me up with a big glass of water and told me I needed to drink some. I feel right back to sleep. He woke me back up around 8pm and told me I had to eat something and take some medicine. I did and went right back to sleep. I think he returned some calls for me, I think he answered some texts, I can't remember much at all. I begged him to take me to the hospital. I just wanted them to hook me up to some kind of meds to make the pain stop. I can't tell you if it was my heart that hurt or my body. It felt like both. I can't tell you if it was grief or sickness. I can't tell you why I slept for 36 hours straight. But, I did. I woke up this morning with the same sick feeling. I forced myself up and to the shower. I drank a cup of coffee and headed to work. I have been at my desk since about 8:30am. I have felt very productive. But, at the same time I am so very numb. I can't feel my fingers, toes, lips, anything. I have a doctors appt at 1:45. I can barely see through the haze that has become my brain.

I am numb.

The trip was not that bad.

I think that I may have told my dad goodbye. I am not sure I will see him alive again. He is so very sick. I can't figure out how to deal with that.

I grieved with my family for Trent.

My heart ached for him.

My body is exhausted from 9 months of missing him. I feel like when I got off that plane Tuesday night I could not hold it together any longer.

My body shut down yesterday...I am not sure it has done this before. But, for once, I listened to it. I needed to just sleep.


Jamie said...

I'm praying for you, Trisha. I had no idea your father was sick. I'll be praying for him and your family, too.

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