my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


This weekend was very draining for me...and this time not emotionally...physically. I started feeling sick to my stomach Saturday afternoon. I was camped out in the bathroom for the whole afternoon. (it was not pretty) I started throwing up around 1 am. It was coming from both ends...nasty YES!! I just sat in the shower with the cold water hitting me waiting on the next wave of vomit to come...I would then have to get out and go to the toilet for the other end...I will spare you the details. This went on until about 8:30 am. I was so sick. I could barely move. I finally climbed back into bed and asked Ken to get me some water. He did...and it came right back up. This dance of him bringing me water and me going straight back to the bathroom continued until about 6pm. I had no sleep, no food, no water...I could barely hold my head up. I decided this was much more than pregnancy and went to the ER. Yep, dehydrated...duh I had been puking for 26 hours... They admitted me and pumped me full of fluids and anit-nausea meds for a few hours. They did labs and made sure the baby was is! They finally told me I had the flu and a UTI...gave me antibiotics and said I could go home when I felt ready. I was ready!! Bottom line --- I feel MUCH better today...a full night sleep and fluids can change your life!!! I kept laying in the hospital bed waiting for myself to freak know back in the hospital...IV...pregnant...scared...but, it never came. I felt secure that this little sprinkle was fine. I knew this visit was about was sick!

I went into work late today. I was pretty much dragging this morning. I have been on progesterone since my fist labs at 5 weeks. There is only ONE pharmacy in town that makes the suppositories...and they SUCK! The first day my doctor called it in and said to go over and give them my info so they could put me into the computer. I left work and went right over, 10 am. The girl says it will be 15-20 mins do I want to wait? Yes, I will wait. 20 mins later they call me up and tell me it will be 2 hours. Okay...I will go back to work. 3 hours later I go will be 2 more hours...REALLY??? What if I sit and wait??? It will be 1 hour. So, I come back in 2 hours. It is still not ready...but, this time it will be 15-20 mins. I wait...35 mins later it is ready. SERIOUSLY mad at this point. They can't get my insurance card to go through so I just pay the 30 bucks and go.

I call in my refill on Friday..."you don't have any refills" "YES I DO!! The doctor called in FOUR of them!!!" "let me check" 10 minutes are right...we will refill it for you. It will be ready Saturday...well, I didn't pick it up because of the mentioned sickness above. I opted to drop off my antibiotics and Zofran at this SAME pharmacy today so that I could just pick them all up together. DUMB idea!!

But, all of that is to say this...of course it took them 4 hours to fill the two drugs and then over an hour of me waiting while they tried to get my insurance to work...I told them 15 times they had to enter it under my husband's social...but, no one listens to me... is why this all matters. I was sitting WAITING and another woman sits down next to me...they had screwed her script up too...we started talking and of course came to the topic of me being pregnant. The questions began and I quickly explained about Trent. She told me that 4 years ago she lost her 13 year old son. She has an 18 month old and a 3 year old. She got pregnant at 16 with her son. I asked what happened. She told me that he had kidney failure. I asked if he had battled it long. She told me that when he was two he was bit by an ant and had a severe allergic reaction. They did not expect him to live for very long. He spent months in the hospital. When the doctors finally told her he had 24 hours to live her father-in-law says this, "You need to just go. You are too young for all of this. We will handle it. Just go live your life and forget about all this." She told me this 15 years later with tears in her eyes. Her son did live...and she stayed right there beside him. He lived for 11 more years. yes, he was sick. Yes, he lost the battle. But, she never left his side.

WHY do people say such awful things? Why do people think it is okay to minimize our grief? Here is this 17 year old mom who has just been told her son is going to die and her father in law tells her to just go live it is no big deal. Some days I feel like that is what the world wants from us. Just forget about it. Just go on. So what your kid died? So what??? It makes me crazy! It hurts my heart. All I want is for his life to matter...

This was a crazy long post just to tell you 2 things...1. the sprinkle is still fine and mommy is much better! 2. why does it never seem to be okay to grieve??


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're doing better and that sprinkle is fine!

I think people who don't understand actually think they are helping. They're lucky enough that they don't know what it's like - so they don't know what they are saying is a huge pile of stupid. But they're trying.

michelle hs said...

amen! i feel like i'm not allowed to grieve or be sad or remember xavier at home. i have a couple of co-workers i can talk to. i can call my parents. i attend a support group. but overall this is a very small number of people that i encounter as i go about my daily business.

so glad sprinkle is fine and you are too! sorry about the stupid pharmacy you have to go to. how wonderful to have met another mother who has experienced loss while you wait though...God is everywhere. hugs

Michelle Karr said...

Glad you are feeling better!

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