my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, October 18, 2010

filter

I am prejudice. Not against race, size, sexuality, age, none of the common ones...I am prejudice in my beliefs. I don't believe in happy endings. I don't believe we can do anything we set our minds too. I believe we were lied to...a lot.

Everything we experience in life adds to our filter. Everything we see, touch, taste, feel, smell...it all goes through our filter. That filter is made up of experiences from our life. My filter has become very skewed. Every conversation I have goes through my filter of "my son died." It changes the way I view every single thing in the world. My filter has changed many times over the years. But, this one seems to be the most significant.

I process every piece of information through the filter that includes that awful piece of information. I can't leave it out. This makes somethings more amazing than they should be and other things hurt more than they should. This morning while I church I had the precious opportunity to rock a sweet little girl to sleep. As I watched her little eyes grow heavy and listened to her breathing become regular...I felt like I was in the presence of God. This little angel is the little sister to a beautiful angel in heaven. Her parents know the pain that Ken and I filter everything through. They know what it means to say goodbye. They know the awful decisions that follow the death of your child. But, they also know the amazing peace that comes with rocking your second child to sleep. I grew teary eyed today as I thought about the rainbow baby God is knitting together in my womb. I pray that I will bring this little miracle home and rock her (I really feel like it is a girl) to sleep every night. I will hold her in my arms and know that her big bother is watching from above. I know that God will give me the joy that has been lacking in this grief. I would not trade my pain...because that would mean I would trade my sweet Trent. But, I am looking forward to the moment I get to walk out of the hospital with a living child in my arms.

In that same nursery today the lady that was with me told me she thought God was taunting me with Trent. Let's just say her filter is filled with bitter, resentful feelings. She really means well. And, she truly cares about Ken and I. But, her filter is a little strange. She said she believes that this baby will be the one we bring home. She says she can not understand why God would pick a couple like us to taunt with children. Does God taunt? I am not sure I believe that. I don't think God taunted me with Trent. I think He gave him to me for a beautiful, short period of time. I believe that Trent's life will live on in my heart and yours. I don't think God was taunting me.

My life was complete when I held my son. My heart was fuller than I ever knew it could be. I am beyond blessed to be carrying another gift from God...

If we are having a little boy (which Ken believes it is) ...

Ian Kenneth

and if we are having a little girl (which is what I believe)...

Jane Bethany

both mean "gift from God" and truly this little one is.

Did I mention we have $100 going on which one it is??

3 comments:

michelle hs said...

thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with all of us. i love reading your blog!

Heather said...

You are so right about our filters. Everything we experience in life defines the lens through which we view the world.

Paige said...

Oh, my sweet girl...this post makes me smile because my heart is FULL of love for that precious girl. She is a gift from above and I treasure all the times I rock her to sleep, comfort her, feed her, play, dress her, etc. I don't believe that God taunts people...or hurts us on purpose. However, He does allow bad things to happen....which are growing experiences (painful none the less) that bring us closer to him. It is these trials that give us the opportunity to share our testimony and his love with others. If everything were perfect...and happy...we would not NEED our heavenly father and our witness would be so less impactful. Praying for you daily that Trent's little brother or sister will bring you the same Joy Callyn has brought into our lives.

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