my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

grief

The aftermath of death is never ending.

It never stops.

The pain, the heartache, the tears...they never stop.

I think about those precious moments I got to hold my son...my whole life laid in my arms and I couldn't fight hard enough to keep him here. I loved that sweet boy more than anything in this whole world.

While in Florida I realized how selfish my grief had been. I forgot how the death of Trent affected so many others. His life was not just stolen from me or from Ken...it was taken from everyone. All of them...all of you. You will never get to hold my sweet boy...at least not on this side of heaven. He was so perfect, so beautiful. I wish so badly you could have stood beside me that day and held him. I wish you could have watched him take his mommies hand, breath, kick his little legs. I wish you could have known him...

My grief has been so all consuming I missed everyone elses...

Trent died on January 5th. We had a memorial service for him on the 6th. It was a beautiful service. We had it at the chapel at the hospital. Ken's parents were there, my dad, my older brother, two of my sisters and their husbands. My mom and youngest sister could not be there (there were legal reasons). We never all got to grieve together. At the time I didn't even notice...but, on this trip home I saw what an important step that was that we missed.

On Sunday morning I attended church with my family. They all attend the Beachside Church in Ormond Beach, Fl. It is the church Ken and I attended before we moved. I love that church. I rode with Cassie and Aubree to church and we were running late. I walked in without really being in a place to worship. I haven't been to church in a while. I have been too mad. I hate to admit that...but, I have. I have been mad at God. I can't remember the music that morning...except that it was a new worship pastor and I was not really into his song choices. The message was given and focused on Job. Many many times I thought of Job and his struggles as I walked through this life without my son. I know what it feels like to have God take everything sacred away from you. At the end of the sermon the pastor asked us to forgive God. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how. I don't know where to start. But, the tears were flowing. I had a few different people come up and hug me from behind. People who follow my story here...people who have grieved for Trent. My sisters and mom cried with me. Finally the pastor's wife came and asked if she could pray with us. It was one of the most healing moments of my life. To sit in a room and weep with my mom and sister...to let them know that I hurt so bad every single day for my son. To watch them hurt for him... to know that I have not been walking alone. That afternoon my youngest sister, Bridget was baptized in the ocean. As we walked to the beach my niece, Ella, said to me, "I want to hold you hand because Trent died." I told her that was just fine. She said to me, "I wish he would not have died. I wish he were here...I would be his best friend." I told her I thought that would be wonderful but that he was already in heaven. She told me, "I know, I can't wait to get to heaven to meet him...I want to see if he is bald like uncle danny." Oh that precious girl...even at 4 she is missing her cousin.

Everyone lost a huge part of their lives that day. I wish I could have changed it. I hate that I have brought pain to their hearts. But, to know they have loved my son...still love my son...means so much to me.

I miss that precious boy...

but, I would not give up the last year of pain to erase his short life. It has all been worth it.

To bear the name "mother" because of my angel...

it is all worth it...

but, the pain will never end...

the grief will last until I see him again...

this baby that I am carrying now will never fill his spot...

2 comments:

Alicia Manautou said...

Wow! I cried the entire time I was reading this. It is always amazing when God shows up. even in our grief He is the great comforter - whether we acknowledge Him or not, He is always there. Prayers are always circling you and your household. Love you!

Melissa said...

I forget sometimes that everyone else feels our loss as well. XX Wishing you all the best of luck with your little rainbow - we are pretty close together.

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