my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, October 17, 2010

life sucks sometimes

This is not an easy life.

I would not wish this life on anyone. But, the sad reality is it happens every single day. There are hundreds of woman in the next few weeks and months that will discover this pain. They will learn what it means to have the sacred ripped from their arms. They will learn of a pain so raw and overwhelming that words can not explain it. They will watch as their child is taken away never to return. They will never know the sound of that child's first word. They will never have the opportunity to watch that child grow up. And, neither will I.

I know that my pain is not any greater than yours. I know that my story is not any harder. But, it is mine.

I was watching the Today show last week and they were interviewing an author who just wrote a book about her journey through cancer. She said that she sat next to someone on a plane and he said to her, "don't hog your story." This statement changed her life.

I get much criticism for sharing my pain and journey. I have people who can't understand why I would want to be so transparent with this pain. I have people who don't seem to understand putting my most vulnerable, painful thoughts on the line for strangers and friends to read. I didn't either. But, I know that this blog has been the most healing thing in my journey. And, I think it is because I am not hogging my story. My story is painful, hard, sad, mean, unfair, and sometimes there is a little joy mixed in. In the months since Trent was born and died I have had many, MANY people "unfriend" me on facebook. I have some that have told me to my face they could not handle the pain of my posts and others I have learned from other people. But, the bottom line is...they don't like my story anymore. My story makes them uncomfortable. My story reminds them this life is not rainbows and butterflies.

Why should I hide this loss? Why should I not mention my son? WHY?

There is no reason except to protect people from the reality of the world.

This world sucks.

Plain and simple.

Life sucks.

But, my hope is that by sharing this journey with you I find healing. By laying my heart out on the line I show someone, somewhere that God is still at work. By bringing my insecurities, my fears, my guilt, my agony to the table...I will praise Him in the middle of it all.

I am sorry if my story offends you.

I am sorry if you wish I was writing about dancing in a field of flowers.

But, I hope that if you ever come to a point that your heart hurts more than you knew it will think of me...and maybe just maybe ... remember that even in the midst of losing my first born son...I can praise Him.

This pain is real, harsh, and all consuming.

But, my God, has never left me.


Jamie said...

I am sorry that you have felt abandoned by friends in this journey. However, they either weren't true friends to begin with, or the pain is more than they can bear right now. I think it is beautiful that you are sharing this so openly, and I wonder how many people this is helping and encouraging along the way. What God has to say isn't always comfortable and fluffy. The sitcom-based, solve-my-problems-in-thirty-minutes type world that we live in doesn't like this kind of stuff.
You really need to pick up the book "Somewhere More Holy" by Tony Woodlief. He and his wife lost their 3 year old first born daughter to brain cancer, and he tells his story with such honesty and beauty. You can find it on Amazon.

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