my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, October 22, 2010


the words will never be easy.

the questions will never come with an easy answer.

I picked up all Trent's things from storage today. Ken's anut and cousin packed it all up after he was born and put it into storage for us. I knew I could not come home from the hospital with empty arms and a home full of baby things. I was so grateful that they packed it all up for me. It was hard to see it all today. It was hard to think back through the excitment that went with each purchase. It was even harder to think about all that I missed.

This new baby will never take Trent's place. The questions people ask me are hard. The words to answer are even harder...

Is this your first pregnancy???

Nope, it is my 4th. I have a son that lived for only 22 minutes and 2 very early misscarriages. I am not sure anyone is expecting that answer. I think most people just want the feel good answer, "Yes, we are so excited!!" "No, it is our second, but we can't wait!" But, for Ken and I our answer is not an easy one.

When are you due???

June 9th...but, I have no idea how far I will carry this baby because I have an incompetent cervix. I am not sure I will make it to 40 weeks but if I can carry to 30 weeks I will be praising God. Again, most people are just looking for a date...and most times I just give it to them. But, what does a due date really mean? For me...nothing. Not when i know how easy and common it is to give birth to a baby too early.

Do you know what you are having???

A baby. And, really if it is healthy and alive when I leave the hospital that is all that matters. People get so caught up in boy or girl. And, I do understand how importnant that little fact is once your child is here...but, I can't even express how much more importnant it is to bring that baby home. I need this baby to be alive...boy or girl....cute or ugly...fat or skinny...ALIVE...that is what I am aksing for.

Why can't I enjoy this???

Why can't I let myself get excited???

Why can't I dream of rocking my little one to sleep???

because I know this world too well now...

I have read this before...but, saw it again still applies...

Don't tell me "things happen for a reason."
Don't tell me to "keep busy" and "move on."
Don't tell me that you "know exactly how I feel."
Don't tell me that it was "too hard" for YOU to talk to ME about the death of MY baby boy.
Don't tell me that YOU feel "uncomfortable"looking at his picture or calling me on his birthday."
Don't ask me about other children.
Don't SAY anything to try to make me feel better.
Hug me.
Listen to me.
Sit quietly with me.
Let me cry.
Smile when you look at his picture.
Help me plant a tree in his memory.
Allow me to sit in the rocking chair in the nursery.
Light a candle.
Release a balloon.
Walk with me on my journey.
Remember him forever.
~author unknown


lis said...

hugs, i hope to know exactly how you feel soon. but i cant imagine the emotional stress that comes with all of the questions and unknowing. i cant recommend this book

Marie W said...

Your post hits close to home. When I get to 30 weeks I will be relieved. Isn't it sad that we cant even aim for full term? A due date means nothing to me. Viability means everything to me. {hugs}

KAM said...

Thinking of you!

Sarah Danae said...

Trenton James is absolutely amazing and perfect. I just found your blog and have been so blessed by it. I will be praying for you every day. For peace especially...I can't imagine how you are feeling with this new precious baby growing inside of you. Blessings sweet friend.

Suzy said...

congratultions on your newest pregnancy! I haven't been online in a while so I missed your lovely news, but I am praying for you and little sprinkle :)

The questions suck. Plain and simple. Now, two (nearly 3) years out, I am open and honest with every single person about my baby loss, whether they like it or not. I have come to a point where trying to decide what to say was too hard! So I put it all out there. Like ripping off a bandaid, done quickly as possible!

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