my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, October 1, 2010

Safe and sound

6 anxiety pills later...

I arrived "home"

I feel like Texas is home but Daytona is home home. I learned to drive here, graduated high school, went to college, meet my amazing husband, and married him. My family is here. My friends (some of them) are here. I can go anywhere and not get lost...two years living in Midland and I still get lost! This is home.

What is that saying....home is where the heart is....

Maybe that is why in a strange way I feel closer to my sweet boy here. This is the last place I had him with me. I am staying at my sister Kristen's tonight...we spent our one and only Christmas , with Trent safe and sound in my belly, here. The last moments of innocence was spent in this house. The last nights of sleeping with no nightmares. This is the last place I had him with me. But, it is also the house I returned to when I was released from the hospital. This is where I came when my whole world had ended. This is the bed I slept in the night my milk came in. This is the room where Ken reached out to hold his wife and I turned away and wept....I couldn't let him feel my empty womb. It was all my fault that his son was no longer there. This is the house they brought me his ashes to. This is the house that, with tears in her eyes, my mom took that tiny bag of ashes and kissed her grandson goodbye.

Why me? Why us? Why our children? I so wish I could fix this....I wish I had him right here next to me. I wish I could here the soft sounds of him sleeping. I wish I could touch his cheek just once more. I wish I could kiss his head as I drift off to sleep tonight.

My son is dead.

But, for some reason I feel closer to him tonight.


michelle hs said...

i'm so glad you feel a connection when you are there! i have some special memeories of xavier too...the last time we knew he was alive was easter weekend '09 and we were at my grandma's house - so that is a happier place for me. have a great time visiting family and being connected to trent.

Michelle Karr said...

I am glad you feel him so close! You have been in my prayers.

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