my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

up and down

oh this roller coaster is so not easy...

today I heard one of the most precious sounds of my life...

the heartbeat of our rainbow baby...

it instantly took me back to the last time I heard Trent's...

The morning he was born the nurses changed shifts at 7am. When the new nurses came in around 7:30 they listened for his heart beat one more time...it was the last time I heard that fast, strong sound. I miss knowing he was safe inside. I miss him so very much. The last time they took his heartbeat he was perfect, happy, strong. Then he was born and fought so hard for his life. The nurse checked his heart again at 8:32am...he was gone.

The joy was overwhelming today...the pain was the same...

will I make it though this???

my anxiety levels are high...very very high.

Five days after Trent was born I started on Prozac...over the next few months my psychiatrist worked hard to get me on the right combo of pills so that I could function in life again...for the last five or so months I have been on 3 Prozac (60mg), 2 Welbutrin (300mg), 4 Trazadone (200mg), and clonazapam for anxiety as needed...these are just the crazy pills I take others too...but, I gave them all up when I found out I was pregnant again. I have been doing okay up until a few days ago. I am thinking that the drugs were still in my system...they are not anymore...and I am not doing well. Yes, I am thrilled about our new baby. But, I can't get control of my anxiety. I feel helpless and hopeless. I see my OB next Wed and I am hoping there is something I can take for anxiety while pregnant.

I keep telling myself that I should be strong enough to just deal with it and not need pills...but, that is not me...anymore. I have suffered to much. I just can't deal anymore...without help that is.

But, the good news is...

the sprinkle stuck...

3 comments:

Jamie said...

Pregnancy is tough on you. It adds stress and anxiety to your life, even though you are thrilled about it. I take an anti-depressant while pregnant and for several months after, until I feel like my system is back in balance. Don't try to do this without that help when you know you need it. Let your OB give you something because like you said, every high and celebration through this pregnancy is still going to possibly bring guilt and mourning for Trent. Take care of all of you.

Michelle Karr said...

I am so glad that your sprinkle stuck!!! I know there are meds that you can take. You could always call and get them now rather than wait. You and baby will continue to be in my pryaers. I believe rainbow pregnancies are hard but healing. God will get you through it all and you will look back and be amazed at where He has brought you!

Jill said...

The heartbeat is such a beautiful sound!! I can never get enough of it!

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