my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, October 16, 2010

worry wart

I worry.

A lot.

I always have.

But, this time it seems like the stakes are a bit higher...life and death.

I am beyond thrilled to be carrying this little sprinkle. There are so many emotions that come along with it...the one I have struggled with this week the most has been guilt. I feel guilty that I am excited again. I feel like I am betraying Trent. But, I have decieded that it is far enough after his birth that the phrase "if Trent would have lived you would not have this baby" can not be used. Trent would be 9 months old if he lived from his birthday and 6 months old if he would have made it to his due date. Either one of these ages would be sufficient for Ken and I to have started trying again. Would we have? I have no idea. But, I know that we can't say that we would not be pregnant again because I would have still been carrying Trent. I just don't want this baby growing up thinking we only had it to replace it's big brother. Not so. Ken and I have wanted kids since before we were married. Our first son is in heaven and we hope this one will come home with us...

Speaking of babies...can you believe how fertile I am in 2010???? 4 pregnancies...Trent, checmical pregnancy in May, miscarriage in August, and now this sprinkle. Umh...I am thinking the doctors who told me I would never get pregnant were a little mistaken ;)

I guess the whole "if you lose weight your fertility chances will rise" was not a joke after all.

Bottom line... I am thrilled and scared to death.

4 comments:

lis said...

trish, i could NOT recommend this book
more. im reading it in preparation for something that i hope happens, but i know that ill NEVER be fully prepared, and you can't worry because you are worrying. you know that pregnancy is a bundle of fear, elation, terror, wonder and anticipation, and whatever happens, your little sprinkle is special and so is every day you spend with (i want to say her :) and nourishing her. enjoy, my friend. you are a great mom.
xoxo
lis

Trisha said...

I eel like his is a girl too! I knew that Trent was a boy and this little one really feels like a girl! I went to download the book o. My iPad and it couldn't find it so I had to be old fashioned and order the real thing....it was only .81 so I can handle it ;)

Michelle Karr said...

You have been in my prayers, and will continue to be! I totally understand! It always amazes me how we can have 2 opposite emotions going on inside at the same time. I have never experienced to the degree that I do now.

Melissa said...

Thinking of you, I have so many of the same thoughts - this is a hard journey but I hope for both of us there will be rainbows at the end :)

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