my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

boy or girl?

No, we do not know the sex of the baby yet. I am only 11 weeks 4 days.

And, I want to preface this post with two things...1) if it is a girl I will be forever grateful for the chance to raise a daughter 2) I realize even if it is a boy it will never replace what I lost with Trent.

I want a son! I want this to be a boy so bad I can taste it!! I never thought I would say/think/type/wish that thought!! But, a boy is what I want. I want a chance to raise a son. I want the chance to train a boy to be a gentleman. I want the opportunity to raise a son that will one day be a man as amazing as his daddy. I want to give him the skills to be a loving husband, amazing father, a caring friend, and a God-fearing man. I want a son.

I want to have to learn to change a diaper without being peed on. I want to watch Ken try and teach his son to "aim." I want a house filled with blue, legos, dinosaurs, cars, dirt, and love. I want to watch my husband teach our son to hunt. I want to watch my son and his dad wrestle. I want to watch my son build castles, forts, houses, planes, and anything else his little mind can come up with out of blocks and legos. I want to know what it is like to have a five year old talking my ear off about Transformers (or whatever toy is popular in five years.) I want to step on Matchbox cars and army men as I walk to the bathroom at night (yes, I will yell at him for leaving them out.) I want the chance to raise a son.

I want the chance to watch as he drives away for the first time on his own after he gets his driver's license. I want to be there to hear about his first date, first kiss, first love. I want to be there to comfort him when that evil girl breaks his heart. I want to watch as he goes from teenager to man. I want a son.

I know a girl would be just as fun in an opposite way. I know I would enjoy pink and ribbons. But, I want a son.

I know this son will never give me what I lost with Trent...but, I want that chance. I want another boy.

3 comments:

Kat Currier said...

I don't think it really matters, does it? : ) Praying for a healthy baby, no matter the gender. Although, I do think that mom is usually right when she has a feeling about gender.

Emily Hudak said...

Trish, I know how you feel. Since we found out that Jakob was a boy, I've wanted my next to be a boy. When I was pregnant with Jakob I wanted a girl SO badly, but now I've changed my mind. OBVIOUSLY - you want a healthy baby no matter what, but you have every right to "want" a boy. Also, when I wanted a girl SO badly with Jakob (before we knew he was a he), I would actually get mad at people when they would say "I think its a boy!".. haha.. I think I have said to you I think its a girl, and you probably got mad just like me. But, I'm thinking boy now. Either way I have no clue, but I hope for a little boy for you. LOVE!

bir said...

On this road with you, just a little bit further along. I've just posted something similar (yesterday) but with our gender announcement!!

Good luck... and I totally get it!

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