my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


There are so many things I will never understand in this life. And, in my human mind I can't even for see being able to understand them in the after life.

Why is life so very cruel?

Why do dreams end?

Why do children die before parents?

Why me?

Why my son?

I wrestle everyday looking for truth in this mixednup world. I have learned how to bury the pain enough to function on a day to day basis. But, it never goes away. Yesterday, I saw my high risk OB. I had to give a detailed history of Trent's pregnancy, birth, and death. The doctor had my file from the hospital and ob...but, I had to tell him everything again. It was not an easy task. Most of the time I retell the story with just the feelings and emotions that went along with the ordeal. But, yesterday I had to retell all the gruesome medical details. I had to tell of the blood, the amnio, the ultra sounds, the cervical checks, the contractions, the infection, the infection, the infection. I guess chorio is pretty rare (the nurse could not even remember how to spell it). The doctor wanted every detail I could remember of it. I was pretty fuzzy after about 3 am....that is when my temp was rising and the doctors were throwing the words like "septic" "losing you both" and"death" around. I do remember the smell. As I described the smell and the puss I cried. The doctor and nurse just nodded in agreement. They knew the smell. But, did they know it like I did? Did they know what it was like to hold their son and only smell the sickness? Do they know that when I open the bag with his clothes in it I can still smell that awful smell? It will always be the smell of death to me. It was so hard to relive it all again.

But, so very important so that the doctors can do everything in their power to prevent it from happening again.

Life doesn't make sense. Life hurts. Life is fragile.

I pray that in june of 2011 I will once again believe that life can bring joy, hope, laughter, and love.


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