my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, November 5, 2010


The day we held Trent's memorial service was also the day I was discharged from the hospital. They doctors had taken blood that morning and the infection was gone. My white blood cell count was fine. The nurse came in before the service to give me my discharge orders. I can't remember any of it...except that she asked if I needed any pain meds. She wanted to know if I had pain any where. I told her I would take something for my heart not to hurt so much. She just stared at me. She told me she would ask the doctor what kind of pain meds he could prescribe.

We had a beautiful service for my son. His whole extended family was there. We all cried for him. We all prayed and sang and wept. It was the most perfect service...if you have to plan a service for your dead child...this one was pretty good.

They let me walk to the service. They wanted to push me in a wheel chair. We had his service in the hospital chapel. It was beautiful. I was on the ICU floor and the chapel happened to be on the L&D floor. We had to walk through the L&D lobby to get there. I had given birth on the L&D floor but was soon moved back to ICU. We had to walk through families bringing flowers and balloons to the new moms. It was not fair.

When I was back in the room another nurse came in to see if I needed any more pain meds before I was discharged. Again, I asked for something to make my heart not hurt so much. Guess what?? There is not a drug for that. They don't make it.

In the months since his birth and death I have seen and heard people do awful things. I have been on the receiving end of cruel words. I have watched people avoid me so they don't have to talk about it. All of it broke my heart anymore.

But, more than anything I have been loved. I have had people email me, text me, stop me in the halls...just to show me love. I have had people...friends and perfect strangers who hear my story...stop to hug me. I have had people send me care packages, special gifts, stories of how my son's life has changed them. I have become friends with people that I never should have crossed paths with. I have been loved by people who I thought had forgotten about me years ago. I have been prayed for countless times...that I didn't even know about. I have been touched beyond words. You have been my medicine. You have been what has healed my heart. The doctors could give me nothing for the pain that was/is in my heart. But,, old, far away, close, ... family ...they/you have helped mend my broken heart.


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