my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, November 26, 2010

normalcy

There is nothing normal about the life I live. Nothing. Normal is not defined by a parent who holds their child as he takes his last breath. Normal is not used in a sentence about a family who has to pick the music to be played at their child's memorial service. Normal is not someone who watches as the nurse wheels your child out of the room...never to return again. I don't care the age of the child...a parent should never, ever out live their child. This quest to be normal is crap. I don't know why I tried to find it so hard. My hands have held my sweet little boy...lifeless, cold, gone...I can never be normal again.

The horror, grief, pain and abnormality of this last year have been almost too much. I have learned how to deal with it most days. I have learned how to control the tears. I have learned how to talk about Trent without crying. But, yesterday proved to be too much. I can't explain why it hurt so much. I can't tell you why it mattered so very much that he wasn't there. Except...he will never be. As I woke up yesterday I kept thinking I should be getting him ready. I should be laughing with him, changing his diaper, feeding him. But, all I had to do was get me ready. I showered, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair...and laid back down. I didn't want to be doing it all alone...again. I wanted to be ... his mommy.

Thanksgiving...a day I have always loved. Food, family, fun...and of course thanking God for all that we have. But, yesterday I could think of nothing but what was missing. I tried to make the green bean casserole like nothing was wrong...but, I ended up back in bed in a puddle of tears. I hate myself for not being stronger...but, I hate more that my son is dead. I can't sugar coat it...he is dead.

These next few weeks will not be easy to say the least. Christmas is was my most favorite time of the year. The lights, shopping, gifts, family, friends, tradition, parties...but, I don't know if I can face it all with a smile this year. Ugh. In just a few days it will mark 11 months without Trent...followed by his first Christmas - in heaven...New Year's Eve will come next...the day I was admitted to the hospital...and we will end all the fun and merriment with January 5th...the day my world stood still. The day he was born. The day he died.

How do I do this? How do I become normal in the midst of this pain? How do I see God as merciful when less than a year ago I held my son as he died?

Lord, I am begging You to hold me.

1 comments:

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I am so sorry you are hurting so deeply right now. This is a huge loss you have been through and you definitely need God's help to get through. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, just know that I am reading this because I care about what you're going through.
Take care
xxxooo

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