The horror, grief, pain and abnormality of this last year have been almost too much. I have learned how to deal with it most days. I have learned how to control the tears. I have learned how to talk about Trent without crying. But, yesterday proved to be too much. I can't explain why it hurt so much. I can't tell you why it mattered so very much that he wasn't there. Except...he will never be. As I woke up yesterday I kept thinking I should be getting him ready. I should be laughing with him, changing his diaper, feeding him. But, all I had to do was get me ready. I showered, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair...and laid back down. I didn't want to be doing it all alone...again. I wanted to be ... his mommy.
Thanksgiving...a day I have always loved. Food, family, fun...and of course thanking God for all that we have. But, yesterday I could think of nothing but what was missing. I tried to make the green bean casserole like nothing was wrong...but, I ended up back in bed in a puddle of tears. I hate myself for not being stronger...but, I hate more that my son is dead. I can't sugar coat it...he is dead.
These next few weeks will not be easy to say the least. Christmas
How do I do this? How do I become normal in the midst of this pain? How do I see God as merciful when less than a year ago I held my son as he died?
Lord, I am begging You to hold me.