my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, November 20, 2010

season of thanks

I have always loved the holiday season. But, this year that love is missing.

I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to think of anything to be thankful for. My life is full of things that I am thankful husband, a job a love, great friends who make me laugh, a family that loves me, nieces that warm my heart, nephews who make me smile, a beautiful place to call home, money to pay the bills, money to buy food, and of course a pregnancy that will bring hope and job back into our lives (God willing).

But, all of that seems to live in the shadow of his absence.

Last night Ken and I were talking about names for Sprinkle, again. He still likes Ian (and after last nights conversation Ian is the name of this baby if it is a boy!) I told him one of the reasons I wanted something other than Ian is I wanted a name I could shorten like Trenton became Trent...a nickname I could call this baby. He said call it "nubbin" for all I care. I laughed so hard...Nubbin? We both laughed and laughed. It was the first or one of a few "positive" thoughts about this new life growing within me. Most of our thoughts and conversations are about worry and dread. But, last night we laughed and laughed at the idea of calling Ian - Nubbin.

As the laughter faded I began crying...of course. I told him I didn't want it this way. I told him we should have a 10 month old boy ready to celebrate his first Thanksgiving. I told Ken I would have bought him an outfit that said "Baby's First Thanksgiving." I told him that we should be feeding Trent mashed potatoes, stuffing, yams, and even making him try cranberry sauce. I told him we should all laugh as he spits the cranberries back out because he doesn't like them...we laughed again at that thought. I long to share this Thursday with my son...but, it will never be. This is what makes me forget all I have to be thankful for. How can this be my life? How can my son really be dead?

I want to be thankful. I want to celebrate this new life within me...but, (and yes, I feel guilty for thinking this way) I seem to want Trent more. I love this Sprinkle...don't get me wrong. But, I feel like I have a different love for first born. Will I ever learn to love this child for itself? Will I ever let the grief move out of the way and the joy of this new life take center stage? Will I learn to give this baby a chance at winning my heart?

I feel guilty for these thoughts. I feel guilty that I want my son here.


Emily said...

Don't feel guilty Trisha. Everyone understands what you mean, and how you feel. We know you love Sprinkle (or Nubbin!), but we know you love Trenton too. No one will forget him and he will always be your first born. This blog made me have a heavy heart. I'm so sorry. This Thanksgiving I should have had a 2 month old, or been 27 weeks pregnant, but neither worked out. I'm trying to stay positive and look for that silver lining.
I love you!

Marie W said...

Its so hard isn't it Trisha? To be optimistic, to hope, to believe that we will bring this next baby home. I try not to think of the future but think in terms of now. Day by day is the key and setting little milestones. <3 Trent <3

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