my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, December 20, 2010

alter universe

In my alter universe I am so very excited for our first Christmas as a family of three!! I have the stockings hung and full! I have bought my son way WAY too many Christmas outfits. I had our family pictures made in October with our sweet boy wearing a "My 1st Christmas" outfit. I have taken him to see Santa and cried while he cried. I have driven him around town night after night looking at all the Christmas lights. In my alter universe I am so anxious that I let him open a gift or two. He is crawling around the tree and Ken and I are constantly changing his course so he doesn't pull it over on himself. In my alter universe I am creating Christmas traditions that will hopefully stay with him until he is an adult.

But, in real life...

I have cried for all I am missing. I have mourned for the 1st Christmas we should be sharing. I have hung ornaments on the tree with his name on them. I have skipped Christmas cards, parties, and even the lights. I have tried to avoid all the holiday cheer I can. I have wrapped no presents with his name on them. I have nothing under the tree for an almost one year old. I ordered no cute clothes for Christmas pictures. I have no idea what the line to see Santa is like at the mall.

It breaks my heart.

And, it is just so very unfair.


Lisette said...


Melissa said...

Just know that you are not alone and I hope that you can find a little peace in that. Here's to hoping that next year will be a little kinder to us all.

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