my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, December 20, 2010

alter universe

In my alter universe I am so very excited for our first Christmas as a family of three!! I have the stockings hung and full! I have bought my son way WAY too many Christmas outfits. I had our family pictures made in October with our sweet boy wearing a "My 1st Christmas" outfit. I have taken him to see Santa and cried while he cried. I have driven him around town night after night looking at all the Christmas lights. In my alter universe I am so anxious that I let him open a gift or two. He is crawling around the tree and Ken and I are constantly changing his course so he doesn't pull it over on himself. In my alter universe I am creating Christmas traditions that will hopefully stay with him until he is an adult.

But, in real life...

I have cried for all I am missing. I have mourned for the 1st Christmas we should be sharing. I have hung ornaments on the tree with his name on them. I have skipped Christmas cards, parties, and even the lights. I have tried to avoid all the holiday cheer I can. I have wrapped no presents with his name on them. I have nothing under the tree for an almost one year old. I ordered no cute clothes for Christmas pictures. I have no idea what the line to see Santa is like at the mall.

It breaks my heart.

And, it is just so very unfair.

2 comments:

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

Melissa said...

Just know that you are not alone and I hope that you can find a little peace in that. Here's to hoping that next year will be a little kinder to us all.

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