my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, December 23, 2010

christmas eve eve

I didn't know life could/would be this hard. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know my heart could love and hurt so much all at the same time.

I have watched the Lifetime movies and cried as I watch other peoples horrors unfold on the screen. I have cried as I read novels about peoples heart ache and loss. But, to live actually know the pain. It is not something that could be understood.

When I was little I watched the show "Party of Five." I cried at the end of every single episode. It is a story of five kids who are raising them selves. Their parents were killed in a car accident. I am one of six but, while this show was on the air there were only five of us. The thought of losing my parents scared me. The idea that I would never ever see them again. It seemed like the most painful thing I could imagine...I had no idea that losing a child was even possible. The parents are supposed to go first...right??

There was a family that lived up the street from us. They adopted special needs kids. I started college with the idea that I would be a special education teacher. These children amazed me. Their handicaps were hard...but they kept on going. I remember thinking how lucky our family was...six kids and all healthy. Not a birth defect or handicap in the bunch. I didn't know that I was the one. I was the one born with a life-ending defect. I was the one who would later carry the burden of losing a child. I was the one born with a birth defect that would change my heart and soul. There was no way to know it was there. No way to test for it. No way to know...until he died.

My high risk OB has questioned me over and over trying to figure out why I have an incompetent cervix. He told me most of the women he sees with IC have a history of LEEP surgery, D&C's, cone biopsy...some kind of trauma to their cervix. IC is rare....but, from what he tells me...especially rare in a woman who was literally just "born this way."

My heart is beyond broken this Christmas season. I long to hold my son. I want to experience this first Christmas with

I miss him more than words can explain.


Marie W said...

{HUGS}. My Dr.'s have no idea how I got IC either. They finally chalked it up to me born with it. Happy Holidays Trisha.

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