my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ian James

That is right...I am pregnant with my second SON!!

Ian means God is gracious. I think it is such a perfect name for a baby that is born after a loss...our Gracious God providing us another miracle.

James is his big brother's middle name. We had thought of a few other names but, at the last minute thought it would be nice to honor Trent in this way. first born Trenton James will have a little brother Ian James.

I am excited at the oppurtunity to raise a son. My heart is full of love for this little wiggle worm! (He doesn't stop moving very often!! And, today at the ultrasound the tech had a hard time getting good pictures because he just kept wiggling!)

Healing is a funny thing...grief is even stranger.

There are some who feel like I should be "better" now. I am pregnant again...I guess that means I am cured of the grief. Wrong. I will never be "healed" of the pain of watching my first born die in my arms. The sorrow of that truth will never go away. Time does NOT heal all wounds. Some never go away. But, the joy of this second miracle is good for the healing.

I was laying in bed tonight (trying to sleep but this crazy rash that is covering my body is keeping me awake) thinking about what most moms pregnant with their second worry about. I was thinking about how nice it would be if my fears were how will I handle two little boys at once? How will I potty train one and keep up with diapers on the other? How will I make sure they both have everything they need? The "normal" thoughts while pregnant with your second. I started thinking how fun it would be to watch Trent be a big brother. I would love to see him kiss Ian's little face, love on him, tell him the "meaning of life." I thought of what it would be like to have Trent convince Ian that monsters really do live in the closet and then daddy having to go in to the rescue. I thought of the times the three of them would wrestle. I thought of the family pictures with my three boys and mommy. I thought of Ian wanting to be just like his big brother. But, I will never see those things.

As a mommy to one son in heaven and on on the way my worries are much different. I worry about how to make Ian's life about Ian and not about trying to fill Trent's empty shoes. I worry about making Ian special for being Ian...not for being the baby that "replaced" Trent. I worry about explaining to him what it means to have a brother in heaven. I worry about the tears I will shed when he comes home because I will always be missing one of my boys.

I worry about making it to a stage in pregnancy where this little sweetie can make it outside of my womb. Here are the dates we are going to pray Ian too....okay??

Saturday February 4th - 22weeks1day pregnant - this will be the most pregnant I will have ever been as I gave birth to Trent at 22 weeks. I need to get here next. I think I will breath a little easier knowing my cerclage is working!

Friday February 18th - 24 weeks - viability! - I really really do not want Ian born at 24 weeks...but, this "magic" week means he is viable outside of the womb (with only a 30% chance of survival)

Friday April 1st - 30 weeks - he may spend some time in the NICU but the chance of him coming home is HUGE!! I think when I make 30 weeks I will start to believe that this little guy is going to come home with me one day!

Friday May 20th - 36 weeks - if we go this far my cerclage will be removed and I will have a baby SOON!!

So, let's start praying for Feb 4th! I need to make it past the point that Trent died for my own sanity!!


Heather said...

Congrats on another BOY! Ian was another name I really liked. In fact, if both of our embryos would've stuck and both had been boys, I think we would've named them Ian and Liam. I still may use Ian if we have another boy one day...

Anyway, I understand about how being pregnant again does not make you better. In fact, I'm days away from holding my rainbow in my arms, and not even that makes me better. Sending lots and lots of hugs.

Lisa said...

I love the name and the meaning! Congrats on the lively little boy within you. You are so right and thanks for the clear picture of what pregnancy is like with a baby already in heaven. Praying for each step and each date along the way.

Alicia Manautou said...

May God's peace that passes all understanding abide in Trish, giving her the strength she needs at the very moment she needs it. And for God's protective hedge to encircle Trish and Ian now and at each goaled date, and continue to be an ever present fortress once he is in Trish's arms. And we ask all these things in Christ's name.

Naomi said...

I will pray for you and little Ian every day! I will be looking for your posts, as I do every day, for updates. I am so excited, nervous, happy, anxious, etc..for you, Ken, and your newest member of the family. I can't wait to see him :)

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