my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, December 17, 2010

a little mixed up

I wish I could explain the feelings I have now. Finally, FINALLY I feel excited about this little life growing inside of me. Yes, I still am guarded. Yes, I still know that history could repeat itself. But, I am finally stitched closed. The thing that lost our precious first born is "fixed." Let's hope and pray that is the only thing it takes to keep this little one with us.

The hospital was filled with many many triggers for me. I tried to hold it together...and, I did pretty good. But, there were a few moments when I felt like the world was crashing down on me again. My pre-op nurse was such a sweet lady! I have awful veins for IV's. I learned this with Trent. I had a new IV placed daily, sometimes more than once a day, because my veins roll and don't "valve" (I think that is the word they used) I warned the nurse that it is pretty tricky to place an IV in me. (I think they all think I am being dramatic) But, three pricks later and two large bruises on my hands she agreed and got the anestisoligist. He tried twice in my arm and finally got it (I told them so). But, the memories of so MANY people poking me trying to get IV's with Trent was too much to handle before surgery. I was shaking pretty bad on the inside...but, still holding it together. The same nurse came in with a fetal doppler to find Sprinkle's heart beat. She couldn't. I didn't worry right away. I know at 14w5d it is still hard to find. Ken and I rented a doppler to use at home and had just heard the heartbeat the night before. Another nurse came in and still no heartbeat. They went ahead and wheeled me to the OR. Three more nurses heart beat. I was crying and shaking so hard. I finally said, "I want a cerclage today, not a D&C" I was trying so hard. One of the techs just came and held my hand and wiped my tears for me. They finally called a L&D nurse in...the batteries on the doppler were DEAD!!! My OB walked doppler batteries in hand...and found the little stinker right away. Praise God!! But, oh I was so scared. Next came my spinal...40 + pricks later into my spine, with landicane, they finally figured out I have scholosis. 45+ minutes of poking and burning my spinal was in place and they started surgery...with me wide awake. The rest of the day was fine. Cerclage was placed. My blood pressure dropped a few times in recovery. But, we were home by noon.

When they wheeled me out of the hospital I kept thinking, "I am leaving with empty arms again." I was more than upset. When I left after giving birth to Trent all I had was a box that held his clothes and a gaping wound that would never heal all the way. This baby was still safe and sound.

I just feel a little crazy at emotions are so mixed up. I am happy and sad at the same time. I am looking to the future and desperatly holding onto the past. I want this new life to make it more than anything...but, I would give my legs if I could have Trent here too.

It is so very hard. But, I am beyond blessed to be carrying another baby.

I pray daily for this little one.

22 more weeks and I will be full term...37 weeks. They will take the cerclage back out then. I am believing, in Jesus' name, we will make it that far!


Jeff and Allison said...

I'm believing it and claiming it for you in Jesus' name. This post made me cry. As a BLM to m/c, I sometime feel cheated that I never got to see or hold my child they way you did, but then I realize it's a double-edged sword because I didn't have to leave a hospital with Miller's belongings either and I don't know if I'd ever be strong enough to do that.

This is goign to be so much different for you. And when Sprinkle is born, you'll look into his/her eyes and you'll catch a little glimmer, something you will know is there but won't know exactly what it is. That will be Trent. :-)

Marie W said...

Trisha I am believing with you! Praying that the next time you leave that hospital, your arms will be full! {hugs}

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