my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

my sweet boy

I have heard some of the craziest things in the last 11 months. I have heard mean things, rude things, strange things, and of course many many sweet things. When people think of my son or tell me how he has changed their life or heart....those things warm my heart.

About a week ago I was talking with my niece, Lily. She is 7. She is one of my favorite people in the world. She always cracks me up. And, just like her mom, she tries never to offend people so is careful with her choice of words. In the week after Trent died Ken and I stayed in Lily's room. She and Ella (my 4 year old niece) ((Ella and Trent share a birthday)) asked me lots of questions about Trent. Their mom had showed them pictures of him and of course they wanted to hold him and meet him. We did not have them come to the hospital. Ella wanted to know why she could not hold him. Lily wanted to know why he had to go to heaven. I digress...back to last week...Lily asked if I was coming to their house for Christmas this year. I told her I couldn't. (I didn't explain how heart wrenching it would be to be back in the place it all happened so close to the day we lost him) I did tell her I had to have surgery to keep this little baby safe and the doctors would not let me travel. She thought for a few minutes and said, "If this baby lives can you come next year?" Oh...that sweet girl. I hate that she knows that babies die. I hate that she has had to see the pain Ken and I have lived through. She and Ella both miss their cousin. And, I so wish he were here.

I am feeling better these past few days. Thanksgiving was rough. I know Christmas and his birthday will be even worse. But, for now I am trying to find joy in this little miracle growing inside.


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