my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, December 11, 2010

wallowing

Some days I think life would be easier if I just wallowed.

Wouldn't it be nice to just wallow in grief for a few minutes, hours, days, months, years???

Sometimes I just think it would be easier to stop trying to "live" and just wallow in my grief.

But, I don't. I just keep moving forward. When I really let myself stop and think about this last year ... it would be easier to just give up and wallow. I mean think about all I have missed. My first born son is in heaven. Who wrote this script? I don't like it anymore. I want my alternate story. I missed all his firsts. I missed a year that should have been filled with laughter. I lived that year with tears. I love my son...more than I new was possible.

I can't wallow. I can't just lay here and feel bad for myself. I have to keep moving on. I have to be excited for this little one God is knitting together in my womb. I feel blessed that He gave me Trent and even more blessed that He feels like I can do this again.

Yes, it would be easier to wallow. But, I must keep going on.

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