my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, December 12, 2010

when I grow up...

We all had those dreams right? Not just the dreams of what we would be ... but, the dreams of the things you would do different than your parents did.

I grew up in a vegetarian household. I was not vegetarian - nor were my 5 other brothers or sisters - or my mom...but, my dad was. And, that ruled all. My mom did make us turkey hotdogs, turkey burgers, and fish sticks when we were little. But, I didn't have my first steak until I was 18. I didn't have crab legs until I was 15. I didn't have fish (not in stick form) until I was 26. I did eat A LOT of tofu burgers, tofu bacon, vegi crumbles (a tofu mixture that was made to look like ground beef), vegi chicken patties, vegi hotdogs...really I am getting sick to my stomach just thinking of it all! But, I remember being about 15 and fed up with all the vegi crap! I could not WAIT to get my drivers licensce so that I could drive myself to McDonald's and get a hamburger...or two or three or four :) And, I did. I ate fast food on my way home so I could skip what ever vegi item was being made at home.

Why does it matter? Because it is one of the things I have always said I will change when I have kids. I will never "force" them to eat things that they hate. I know I know...sometimes you have to make them try things they will not like at first. But, I spent 10 years of my life telling my dad how much I hated the vegi food.

I have a lot of those plans. But, not just things I want to change. I plan to be the kind of mom my mom was/is. The kind of mom who believes in her kids no matter what. The mom who is there to cry with her kids. The kind of mom who thinks her kids are the most amazing ones around. The kind of mom who shows up at the football games to watch her daughter march...even though there are 5 other kids at home that need her attention.

I want to make memories of family vacations that will last a lifetime. We traveled a lot when I was a kid. I have some amazing vacation memories. I want that for my kids.

So, can I dream??? Can I believe that one day I will get to be a mom here on earth? Will I get the chance to make my kids dinners they will hate and blog about 20 years from now?

I don't know...and it scares me to think that maybe ... just maybe one day I will...

When I grow up...

I want to be a mommy...

to a living child too


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