my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, December 30, 2011

if only

if only i could go back in time

if only i could go back to two years ago today

if only i could remember what it felt like to be whole again

if only i could know what it means to feel safe again

if only my world had not come crashing down around me

...

two years ago today ken and i were ending our christmas vacation in orlando with trent still safely in my womb

my heart had no idea the pain that was coming

...

i wish i could go back in time and take my hand and whisper to myself that i would survive it...that in two years i would be laying in my warm bed listening to the soft snores of my precious second child

i wish i didn't know what it was like to hold your first child's entire life in your arms

i wish he were here

i wish i was planning his second birthday party

...

life will never be what it could have been

what it should have been

i lost a lifetime of memories on that day

i lost a lifetime of joy

i lost my child

...

this is a hard time of year for me

my mind can't help but replay the week leading up to his birth and the moments of his death

i can't help but replay the awful words...time of death 8:22am

how unfair is it that i watched my child die

it isn't supposed to be

...

if you meet me on the street with my beautiful Ian in tow you would have no idea the pain and sorrow i know

my child is dead

how can it be true

how can it have been two years ago

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

12/21/09

Two years ago today I found out my first child was a boy. I still remember laying on that ultrasound table...waiting for the tech to say..."you're having a _____ " back then I had no idea things went wrong in pregnancies. I was actually having my anatomy scan but really had no clue that anything mattered other than boy or girl. Trent was perfect. I left that day happier than I ever remember being. I was going to have a son. I had no idea that 10 days later I would be hospitalized with his bag bulging. I had no way of knowing that in 15 days I would meet and say goodbye to my first child. I could not have imagined the life long journey of pain and grief that was coming so quickly.

This time of year is hard. I think it will always be hard. I will always wish I had both of my children to celebrate Christmas with. I will always know that it is the coutdown to the end. It doesn't hurt the same way it used to. Life has more joy with Ian in it than it did last year. I live for Ian. I refuse to let myself live for death. (Does that make sense?) I will always always miss my sweet Trent. i will always wish he were here. But, I must live for Ian.

We took Ian to Disneyland this last week. It was a wonderful trip! We made lots of memories and had a wonderful time. At the Dallas airport last night there was a mom with her son. He looked to be about two. His name was Trent. She kept calling him as she chased him around the gate area. My heart hurt.

I hate that I will always wish for more than I have. I will always want to have them both. I am happy with Ian. I feel complete with being Ian's mommy. I just wish I knew what it was like to mother them both.

Friday, December 16, 2011

timeline

Do you know what I was doing a year ago today? recovering from my cerclage surgery

How about two years ago today? hiring a cleaning lady to clean my house...I was pregnant and exhausted

How do I know? the new facebook timeline

It is actually a neat change to facebook. Sometimes it changes and I really hate it...this change is okay. BUT, you can see every. single. thing. posted ever. So, of course the first thing I do is go and look at 1/5/10. I relived those days leading up to his birth. I saw the grief from my posts. It was so hard to live it all again. it is crazy to think just two years ago I was blissfully unaware. I can't even remember that person anymore. I can't believe I survived. I can't believe I learned how to breathe again. I watched my son take his last breath in my arms...how did I ever move again?

I am not sure. I can't really tell you how I got here. But, I know the road was worth it to have my amazing Ian.

Tomorrow we leave for Disneyland. I dreamt of taking Trent to Disney. I am so very excited to take Ian for his first Christmas.

The holidays will always be hard for me. There will never be a time when I don't think about Christmas leading up to the time I was hospitalized and that my first born son died. Yes, this year is "easier" because we have Ian here. But, I wish with all my heart and soul I could have them both. Could you pick just one child to spend your life with? I didn't get a choice...I want them both so badly.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Snow!

It seems like not so long ago I was blogging about a snow day...you can read it here...I was fresh out of the hospital from giving birth to Trent and more heart broken than I can truly remember. I do remember writing his name in the snow....that was all I had of him that day. I remember crying at the beauty of it and thinking how I would never share in a first snow of the year with him. Heart breaking still...

Last year during the first snow of the year I was pregnant with Ian. Ken and I got in the car and drove around for hours watching it come down. I cried thinking about Trent. I begged God to let Ian live. I prayed that this year would be different ...

Last night it snowed here :). I love the snow! I love the way it looks as it comes down. I love standing outside and feeling the cold on my face. I love waking up to the world turned white. I love the way the whole town seems to shut down ... Even if just a few inches fall... This year was different

One year and eleven months after I gave birth to my first son...

My sweet second born was here to see it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Give thanks

My heart is so full of joy and my house is over run with baby stuff ... I can't think of a better way to spend the holidays!

Here are just a few pictures from Ian's first thanksgiving

Monday, October 24, 2011

5 months and one day

WOW! How can my sweet little guy be 5 months old already?

I am more in love than I knew was possible! My life revolves around this little boy...and I love every single second of it!

Ian comes to work with me so we spend all day every day together...except for 5 hours on Tuesday and Thursday when he is at Children's Day out. We co-sleep. Ian still nurses a few times during the night so it works best for our family for him to sleep next to me. He falls asleep in the arms and stays that way most of the night. I know there are LOTS of people who do not agree with sleep sharing...but it works for us. In the first few weeks of his life I would feel guilty when I would let him sleep next to me after he woke up to eat. I then started to wonder why? I know think I will NEVER regret one second that I spend with my son...awake or asleep. Yes, there are moments when I wish I could sleep on my stomach again or that I could get up and go to the potty in the night without worrying about waking him...but I don't care. I will only have this time with him once. It will be over way too soon. I realize I may look back at this post a year from now wondering why I didn't teach him to sleep in his bed sooner. I know it may be a struggle when the time comes to transition to his own bed. Don't care. I love having him next to me. I guess it is just as much for me as it is for him.

He is already growing up so fast! We started solid foods in the last few weeks. He has been exclusively breast fed until now. He still gets all of his nutrients from me...but now we have added in one "meal" of solids a day. I make all his baby food. I LOVE IT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy! I know the little jars are pretty easy to buy...but it is just too much fun to make it myself!! So far I have made green beans, peas, and oatmeal. I have given him avocado and smashed banana. Avocado and green beans have been his favorite so far. There is really no need for baby food...my milk gives him all he needs...but it is fun trying new stuff!

He has learned to "give mommy kisses." It is the cutest thing! I tell him to give me kisses and he opens up wide and lays a wet, slobbery, open mouthed kiss right on my cheek. I am now teaching him to give daddy kisses too...LOVE IT! It is such a fun age! I want to freeze time and keep him just like this! He rolls from stomach to back and back to stomach. This weekend when I put him in his boppy for tummy time he got up on his knees and tried to lunge out of the thing! I think crawling will be soon!

I looked back on my blog a year ago...I was just a few week pregnant with Ian...and had just named him "sprinkle" at the time. My posts were still full of heart ache. It is hard to read that pain. It is hard to believe it is my life. It is hard to believe how much joy this little guy brings me. I think of Trent every single day. I still cry for him. I still hear or see things that remind me of my pregnancy with him. The pain will always remain. Today I shared his story and for the first time in months cried as I told it.

I feel like my whole life has happened in the last two years. It is hard to remember what life was like before I was pregnant. It is hard to remember what it felt like to live in a world where the pain didn't exist. It is crazy to say ... but it is hard to remember that there was life before loss. And, for a long time I didn't think there would be life again after loss...but there is.













Thursday, October 13, 2011

better than ...

being Ian's mommy is better than anything I hoped for...

better than anything I dreamed of...

better than anything I imagined...

better than the best Christmas ever...

better than my strawberry chapstick...

better than the best piece of chocolate cake...

better than the big cup of coffee first thing in the morning...

better than...

anything i can think of!

I really can't think of anything I enjoy more than being a mommy. I am still a wife, sister, daughter, aunt, grand daughter, cousin, friend, niece ... but my favorite title is mommy.

There are days when I am worn out, days when it is hard, days when I just want to nap...but it is worth it. It is worth it even when we are driving in the car and Ian is screaming, it is worth it at 4:27 in the morning and Ian has been up for hours coughing, it is worth it when I am on the 5th poopy diaper of the day, it is worth it when he just won't nap...

It is worth it because when he wakes me up in the morning he always gives me a huge smile...it is worth it because of his slobbery kisses...it is worth it because of his tiny toes that move on my leg as he nurses...it is worth it because of the way he lays his head on my shoulder...it is worth it because he giggles at me...it is worth it because God picked me to be his mommy.

This month has brought on a new season of grief for me. I didn't/couldn't figure out why for a few days...and then I realized...for the past two years I have been pregnant in October. The past two years I have been pregnant ... and only one living baby in my arms. I found out I was pregnant with Trent in early September 2009 and with Ian in the middle of October 2010. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas for two years were spent hoping, wishing, wanting to have a baby the next year...and this year will be my year. But, for some reason it is hard to enter into the season leading up to the loss ... or maybe it is hard because the memories of being pregnant with both my boys seem so fresh as we head into fall ... or maybe it is because the death of a child sucks ... no matter how many seasons or months or years pass ...

The grief is very different than it was 21 months ago. But, a few days ago it came back just as fresh and raw as it was then. It only lasted in that raw state for a few hours. I can deal with it better now. I can cope a little more...breath a little easier...and hug Ian a little tighter.

I am so looking forward to this holiday season with my sweet boy! I may over do it with costumes, shirts, treats, presents, pictures...all of the above...but how can I help it? I have waited my whole life for this...and missed a lifetime of these memories with Trent.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

2,500 miles

Ian and I set out on a journey almost two weeks ago...we were off to see the world together.


Well, not really the whole world...just the people who love him the most in Florida and Atlanta. My childhood friend of 20 years got married on 9/17. I booked the tickets to the wedding when Ian was still in my belly. I knew that if we were going to fly half way across the country (Atlanta) we should make a trip to Daytona while we were over that way. So, we flew out EARLY Saturday morning and spent the first part of the week in Daytona with my family. How surreal to travel with my living, breathing, oh-so-cute baby boy! Ian is the best baby! He is not a fusser really...he did amazing on all the flights (and we were on 5 different planes in a matter of 8 days). He laughed and cooed at all our fellow travelers...he melted hearts. I only got teary eyed a few times. When he and I sat in the Orlando International Airport...at the same terminal Ken and I had sat at 20 months earlier with Trent's ashes...I cried. I am sure I looked like a nut job ... but I am getting used to that!

Ian was a hit! He got more kisses and snuggles than he knew what to do with! It was wonderful to have my whole family meet him! It was even more special to have all my childhood friends in Atlanta meet him...at our surprise baby shower!! Yes, my childhood friends threw us a surprise baby shower...A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Ian swam in the ocean for the first time, he snuggled his cousins for the first time, he stayed in his first hotel, he swam in an indoor pool, he loved on his aunt Cassie, Bridget, and Kristen for the first time, he rode in a car with someone other than mommy or daddy driving for the first time, he played in the sand at a lake, he attended his first wedding, he went to his first sit down Chick -fil -a ... he attended his first baby shower, he he nursed in public WITH OUT a wrap for the first time, he rolled off a couch for the first time (yes, I cried), he was away from daddy for seven whole nights for the first time, AND he got his first cold.

The days since we have been home have been filled with snot and fevers, two doctor visits, two antibiotics, an allergic reaction to one, a double ear infection, poop-explosions, and vomit like it is going out of style. My poor boy has had a fever for 7 long days!! I feel at the end of my rope because he is so very sick. I hate seeing him this way. We have new antibiotics today and FINALLY his fever is under 100 degrees!

I never knew I would feel SO helpless seeing him sick...but boy is it sad!!














Tuesday, September 6, 2011

giggles

It has been far too long since I had a proper blog post! There are few reasons...the main is that having a 3.5 month old keeps me very busy!!! The second reason is I almost feel guilty for the sad days. I have so very much to be thankful for...and I don't feel like I should still have the sad days...but I do. I just don't want people to roll their eyes and think, 'HELLO you have Ian...why are you still sad?" But, I am. Not every day...and nothing like in the beginning. But, I do still have those sad days when I wish I knew what it would be like to have a 20 month old toddling around the house. I wish I could see him kiss and love on his little brother. I wish I could watch him interact with Ian. I wish I could kiss him at night. I wish he were here. I am not sure it ever goes away. I mean my child is dead...how can it go away?

Ian is a love muffin! He loves to cuddle with mommy. He loves kisses on his cheeks, on his nose, on his toes...and he giggles ALL.THE.TIME! I love it!! I can't get enough. The sound is so heart warming! He wakes up form his naps giggling...he giggles in his car seat (when he is not screaming at me for putting him in it)...he giggles when he sees daddy or hears his voice on the phone. He is just so sweet. A week or so ago we were at Walmart and he was giggling while I was paying. The cashier said to me, "He is just talking to the angels." I just kind of looked at her. I said, "His big brother is in heaven..." and I walked away. I don't want to sound crazy and I don't even know if I believe in it...but how sweet if it was Trent making Ian laugh. What if it is his big brother making him giggle? I don't know...it sounds silly...but in some way it makes my heart happy. I would give everything in the world to see my boys together...to see them giggling together. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of what it will be like when we are finally all in heaven and I can see them together.

Can you imagine not having one of your kids here? Can you imagine missing their whole life? I don't have to imagine...I have to live it. It seems so much more real now that I have Ian...I know what I am missing.

Today is not a sad day really...this post sounds like it is. I am so thankful for Ian. And, most days are filled with more joy than possible. I just wish I had them both!

So, what if Ian is giggling at his big brother? What do you think? Crazy right??

Here are just a few of his sweet giggling self




Saturday, August 27, 2011

new design

Ian is now part of my story...and my blog :)

It made me feel guilty to re-do it but I know I needed to include my little man..


thanks to fran at small bird studios...

it looks amazing!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

in his name


I was sitting in my rocking chair tonight nursing Ian to sleep and was just staring at my "Trent" wall. I have a plague with his name and a bible verse, a little heart that says 'love,' and a bird that says 'hope.' In the months following his death I searched the internet for ways to remember him. I spent hours looking for the perfect ring to be my mommy ring. I went to every single etsy site that made baby loss items. I wanted the perfect things to have to carry on his memory. I also didn't want to go overboard. I didn't want too create a shrine...I just wanted a few things that included his memory in our home. I found a ring (which stopped fitting at about 7.5 months of pregnancy thanks to swollen fingers), I have the little plague on the wall, and then a framed picture next to his ashes in our bedroom. I really don't need "stuff" to remember him by. He will always be my first born.

Tonight as I stared at that little plague I got teary eyed at how different life is a year later. Here I am nursing my sweet boy. I spend hours every week shopping for baby stuff online now. I research about breastfeeding and developmental milestones. I spend my time snuggling the cutest little boy around. I am truly blessed. I get to do stuff for Ian all day every day...and I love it. God chose me to be his mom. He picked me to raise this sweet boy. He gave Ian to me to care for. I am grateful. I can't do a lot for Trent anymore. I remember him and think of him but my job is to raise Ian. Trent is whole. He is already at the feet of our Savior. BUT, I can do things in his name. I can do things that make my heart happy...knowing I am carrying on his little light.

After he was born and died my milk came in. A very normal part of having a baby...but I didn't have a living baby anymore. My heart knew but my body didn't. My body did what it was supposed to do...make milk to feed my baby...for seven long months. I was engorged with milk for a week or two but I continued to leak and have milk for seven months. I went to the doctor a few different times to see why my milk stayed around. I even had an ultrasound done on my breasts to see if something was wrong. I had read online during my pregnancy that some women with PCOS have a hard time making milk and I had worried I would be one of those women...nope. I researched donating my milk. I contacted a few agencies about it. But, in the end my heart could not handle pumping milk that was meant for my child...my now dead child.

Ian is almost 12 weeks old...happy, healthy, and 100% breast fed. I have almost 70 oz of frozen breast milk and I keep 10-12 oz in the fridge and any time for Ken to use. Ian only gets a bottle every few days so my stock pile continues to grow. I pump an extra 10-15 oz a day. I feel VERY blessed to produce so much extra milk. A few weeks ago I again looked in to donating milk. This time is different. This time I am sustaining Ian's life but still have more to give. I don't need a stock pile of 100's of oz ... but am on my way to that soon! I have found a non profit organazation that takes donated breast milk. They pasturize it and freeze it into 3 oz servings. These 3 oz servings are then delievered to NICU's in the Dallas area to babies that are born at 2.5 lbs or less. I have gone through the screening process...blood work, DNA sample, freezer temp, questions, interview...and finally TODAY got to start storing milk for these precious babies...in Trent's name. I will give this life saving gift in the name of my first born. These parents and babies will never know where the milk came from - and that is just fine with me - but I will know. I will know that the extra milk that Ian doesn't need will go to help another family never have to know the pain that I know. If ONE baby is given a better chance because of the milk I send it will be worth it. I am so excited to do it! Today as I filled my first two donation bags and put my donor number on the front I cried. Again, I am just a number to whoever the milk goes to...but I will know. I will know that because of my sweet boy I am giving what I can back.



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

with and without


















Thursday, August 4, 2011

nap time

Yesterday as I laid Ian down for a nap he started to cry. I am not talking about the normal 'fussing himself to sleep' kind of cry...the poor little guy had real tears coming out of his eyes...he was bright red and screaming. I picked him up and held him close to my chest. I knew he wasn't hungry as I had just nursed him, his diaper was dry and clean, and his crib was the same he always naps in. Yesterday he wanted me. He wanted to snuggle. I held him close to my chest and patted his little butt. I told him how much I loved him, I sang to him, I rocked him in my arms, I held on while he calmed down, I told him it was all okay. As he drifted off to sleep I cried over how precious and perfect he was. I started to think about my journey to have him here in my arms.

In the days after Trent died I was not just fussing...I was full out, tears in my eyes, bright red screaming. I needed to be comforted. I needed to know it was okay. I needed Him. In the days and weeks following the death of my first son God held me. He rocked me. He sang to me. He told me it was all going to be okay. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see through the pain. I couldn't believe that one day my heart would feel joy again. In the hours after I laid my son to rest nothing felt like it could ever ease the pain. I still hurt for Trent. I still can't say "Yes." when someone asks if Ian is my first. I can't not mention Trent. I still wonder what it would be like. But, there is joy again. God held me. He rocked me. He knew.

Yesterday as Ian drifted to sleep I thought of the deep love I had for him. I thought of how my world now revolves around his little life. I thought of the way God loves me. I am not sure I could understand the depth of the love God has for me until I had Ian. I hurt when he hurts. I laugh when he laughs. I rejoice in his newly acquired skills.

My heart is full.

My God is good.

I know that in those days and weeks that I cried real tears God hurt with me. I know that He held me. I know that He rejoices as I rejoice in the life that is Ian.

Friday, July 29, 2011

depth

There is a depth of love and devotion to this little boy that I could not have imagined. My title as mommy is the most important I have ever held.

Yesterday Ian had his first round of shots. He weighed in at 12 lbs 9 oz, making him in the 90th percentile. I am so glad to have him growing healthy and strong! After a short visit with the doctor the nurse came in with the shots. My poor little guy screamed. And they have to poke them 3 times at the 2 month shots...UGH!!! Ian and I went to work after I could tell he just wasn't his normal self. He didn't want to nurse, he didn't want to really sleep, and he felt warm to me. I left early and stopped and got him some tylenol. We got home and the little guy was just so lethargic. I laid him in his crib and he just cried until I picked him back up. I nursed him in the bed with me and went to lay him down beside me and he cried until I picked him up again. We drifted off to sleep together with him on my chest. He wanted his mommy. Me. The mommy. I never thought it would be...I never thought I would be lucky enough. But, I am here. He is mine. I thank God every single day for him. I can't really put into words the love I feel for this little boy. I cried as I realized he just needed his mommy.

Two nights ago I looked through the pictures from the day Trent was born. I cried and cried. I was up until 3am just crying. I held Ian a little closer when he woke to nurse...remembering just how precious life really is. On that day he needed his mommy to live...to carry on...to move forward.

In 9 short weeks we have transformed from Ken and Trisha to a little family. We are now Ken, Trisha, and Ian. When I hold him close sometimes I feel so much love I swear my heart could burst. When I kiss his little head I feel complete. He has started to smile....but only at mommy and daddy so far. It melts my heart when he just looks up and me and gives me this big, gummy smile. His most smiley time is in the morning. It is my favorite part of the day...I love to just snuggle him and listen to him coo and talk to me. He just smiles...oh I can't even explain the joy it brings.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

2 months old!


I really can't even believe it! How can my sweet little man be two months old already? Time never stops moving! I can tell you the last two months have been the most amazing of my life. I didn't know the love I would have for such a sweet little thing. It is such a different love than I have for Trent...because with Ian I get to spend every single day with him. I love Trent in a way that is much different. He will always hold a very special place in my heart. I will always miss him. I feel almost guilty for loving Ian as much as I do...crazy I know. I feel guilty if I blog only about him. I am having my blog redone to include Ian in it. I will always blog about the loss and life of Trent...the title "Such a short time, Such a long road" will remain the same. I am changing my tag line to "My journey through the loss of my first and life of my second" - or something like that. I don't want to forget him...but this new little boy is pretty special too! i don't want to start a new blog...I want this to be a place for both of my boys. I know it is silly to even worry about it but this blog was/is one of the most healing things after I lost Trent. But, I want to share about Ian too. I want to be able to look back and remember his journey too. Thoughts??

Okay back to 2 months! July has been busy for our little family! Ian got to meet his grandad this month! He took his first plane ride! He got to meet both of his great grand mothers and lots and lots of other family. It has been a special time. I love everything about him. I try to soak in every single moment with him.

I love to lay his little head on my shoulder and pat him to sleep. I love to hear him breath into my ear as he falls asleep. I love to watch his eyes grow heavy as he nurses. I love the little smiles he has started to give me. I love the way he screams at me when I have to get boogers out of his nose. (Yes, it breaks my heart to make him cry but I have to get the boogers!) I love shower time with him! I love watching him follow the sound of my voice and Ken's voice with his eyes. I love to fall asleep next to him and snuggle. I love to laugh at the HUGE farts and poops this tiny little thing makes! I love taking him out in public and letting people ohh and ahhh over him. I love being his mommy!











Saturday, July 9, 2011

our weekend

Ken flew to Ohio this weekend...so Ian and I were home alone for the first time. He is pretty good company so I was just fine ;) Ken happened to take my keys with him to Ohio so I was stuck at home with Ian. I guess it is a good thing I nurse him so I didn't need formula! Ian is the sweetest little thing ever. I am so very in love with him. I love snuggling with him, kissing him, and just holding him close. I can't believe he will be 7 weeks on Monday! Where has the time gone already? We are taking our first family vacation on Tuesday. We are flying to Indy to visit all my extended family. I am SO nervous about flying with Ian...mostly because I am nervous about breast feeding in public.

Here are just a few sweet moments from our mommy/son weekend.

just a little tummy time...



look at all that hair...and that sweet little hand...



just hanging in our pj's...



looking out the window...




he is just the sweetest ever...





loves his passy!

 
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