my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

20w4d

I wish I could tell you that my tears have stopped, that my pain is gone, that my heart is okay again.

But, none of that is true.

I still cry for my sweet Trent. I still hurt so very much. And, my heart is still broken.

Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same gestation Trent was when i was admitted to the hospital. I was taken from Orlando International Airport via ambulance to WInnie Palmer Hospital...and had six more days with him...and then it was all over. I feel very confident that Ian is just fine in my womb...now that the doctors have stitched it closed. But, I have been playing the what-if game the last few nights. In the days that lead up to my hospitalization I had so much discharge. I thought it was normal pregnancy stuff...but, now I know it was probably my cervix effacing. What if I knew then what I know now? What if when the extreme amounts of discharge started I went to the hospital? What if they could have caught my cervix in time to place the cerclage? I know none of the what-ifs change the outcome. I can't go back and do it over again. But, as I am pregnant again and am having NONE of those symptoms I want to kick myself for not knowing something was wrong.

Ian sits right at my belly button. I rented a doppler so I could hear his heart beat at home. I can find it just to the right of my belly button. Trent never got that high. When we were admitted to the hospital he was in the middle of my pubic bone and belly button...looking back I am sure that is because my cervix wasn't holding him up like it should have.

The pain and heartache is different now. I was so in denial for the first few weeks and months I was just sure I must be dreaming. But, now I know it is over. I used to dream of all that should have been...now it is different. I can't explain really why or how...it's just that I accept that he is never coming back. I would give anything in the world to have Trent in my arms and still have Ian kicking away. I would love to know what it would be to have two little boys in one house...but, those are things that I will never know...that is why the tears still come.

I feel like I am rambling...but, my heart hurts tonight...with no relief in sight.

I find myself doing crazy stuff lately. I have this disconnect. I am shopping for baby stuff for Ian. I am talking like he will be here in a few months. But, I am also preparing myself for what I will do if he dies. I don't think I could live through it again. I laid in bed last night and thought of ways I could die too...I am not suicidial...just trying to tell myself that I could go to heaven too...that I wouldn't have to stay and go through the pain again. I don't want to die. I want to live a life with my husband and son. But, I am not sure I can make it if something goes wrong. I am not sure I can hold it together. I am a planner by nature and feel like I need a plan in place incase he doesn't come home. Oh, the thought of leaving the hospital again with empty arms...

I need to stop...I get myself all worked up. He is fine. My pregnancy is fine. I am doing everything medically possible to bring this little boy home.

I need prayers of comfort tonight...my heart aches and my soul is weary.

2 comments:

Michele said...

Praying for your comfort.... My gestational times were so hard for me. As I hit and passed all three of them, I felt this unease, the familiar ache, and then the intense pain. And then, when I was admitted to the hospital, actually at where you are now, I remember feeling such deja vu. It is so hard... Sending loving thoughts your way.

michelle hs said...

sending up a prayer for you right now trisha!

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