my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, January 21, 2011


This was not a word that I understood until a little over a year ago. I had never really known what anxiety can do to a person. It can be debilitating. It can rule your life. It can cloud your every thought with crazy things that might and probably will never happen. But, it over took me for months after Trent died. My anxiety was so bad I didn't feel like I was functioning. I was just marking time. Ugh, the feeling in the pit of my stomach is still so vivid to me. It crippled me for months and months. I could hide it at times. But, there were days when the anxiety was so bad I couldn't even get out of bed. I could barely will myself to the bathroom. Depression was a part of my grief but the anxiety took over. I started seeing a grief therapist and that did nothing for my anxiety. I finally sought the help of drugs. After a few months of testing and trying I found a good combo of meds that didn't make me a zoombie but also controlled my nerves. I felt like I finally had control of something in my life again. The powerless feeling was very common after Trent's death.

In the past couple of days my anxiety is back with a vengence. I feel the "butterflies" in my first sign a full blown attack is coming. I hear the irrational thoughts creeping in. I feel like I am falling apart with no control of the situation. Yesterday I took a nice long nap when I got home from work...just to escape the feeling. This morning I woke up with that familiar feeling that it would be much easier to stay under the covers than face this cruel world.

I am 20 weeks pregnant today. Ian weighed in at 12oz on Tuesday's ultrasound. Trent came into the world at 22 weeks and weighed only 13oz. When Trent weighed 12oz my crappy cervix gave out. It could not hold the weight of the pregnancy at that point. I know that Ian's weight is being supported by my cervix at this point. I know that I have the treatment in place for my incompetent cervix. But, it doesn't keep the thoughts from creeping in...the fear of what has been. When I was pregnant with Trent I had no idea all that could go wrong. With Ian I have forgotten all that can go right.

I don't think my anxiety is near the point it was in the height of my grief. I also know what it is now. Before I couldn't explain the emotions I was feeling. I do have hope. I do feel joy...these are things I didn't have before. I just want to bring Ian home happy and healthy. I want him to be born at 33, 34, 38 weeks gestation.

In the past week I have had two dreams about being covered in blood...the first sign something was wrong with Trent. I inspect the TP after each visit to the bathroom. I pray every single time not to let there be blood. Just a few more weeks and I will pass the point of ultimate failure in my life.

Pray I survive


Kristie said...

Thinking of you sweet lady. Feeling your frustation as well.Praying for you, Ken and Little sprinkle Aka Ian.

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