my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, January 10, 2011

choices

I have lost everything - and in that loss - I have won.

The pain from the last year con not be measured. The pain doesn't every end. I will always miss the life that should have been. I think one of the hardest parts of death is that we have no choice in it. I had no control on what played out a year ago. I still blame my body for failing my son - but, I had NO control. In the days after Trent was born and died Ken and I had choices to make...lots and lots of choices. We had to choose how to handle his body; cremate or bury? We had to make choices about his funeral; what songs to sing, what scriptures to read, what flowers to have, what to say. Once released from the hospital we had to make the choice to stay in Florida with family or to fly back home. The choices seemed clear in the moment. They were pressing and easy.

The choices that came after where not as clear, not as easy, not as pressing. One choice I made was to share my son with the world (via blogging). It was a painful choice. Do I share his pictures? His story? His short life? And, if so what parts, how much, and how often? Do I share the emotions that are so raw and so very painful? These choices I still make. It is clear I chose to share him. I chose to write about him. I chose to let people in on the grief. I have been as open and honest as I know how to be about my pain. It has proven to make me vulnerable and open for criticism. I have gotten harsh words for my openness. But, more than anything I have found love and comfort beyond what words can describe.

My life is defined by loss. But, my hope is that when you think of me death is not the only thing that comes to mind. Death could be all I love for. It could be my only focus. But, I have made the choice to continue to live. Most days I feel that was the right decision...somedays the grief is so all consuming it would be easier to stop living and give up. In this life you get what you focus on. If I made the choice to only focus on death - death is what I would have. I try and focus on Trent's life...focus on my life without him. Life will give life. Focusing on life has given me Ian.

Ian...my sweet second son. I focus on what can go wrong with Ian A LOT. I think it is only natural after a loss. I have to change that. I have to focus on a life WITH him here.

Thanks for walking with me over the past year. It has been quite a journey for me. As I begin the second year without Trent I hope for more hope. I pray for more joy. And, I pray to share pictures of my second and his life with you.

Ernest Hemingway once said,

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills."

Here is Ian at 16 weeks 4 days giving us two thumbs up:



And, here he is from the outside:

I am 18 weeks 3 days:

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