my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, January 13, 2011

dreams

Last night I dreamt of Ian. He was in his car seat happy as could be. He had a full head of dark hair and big chubby cheeks. (It was funny to see dark hair because I am blonde and Ken was blonde as a child) But, I woke up so very excited to meet this little boy. I had an ephipany moment last night...I can't do anything else. I have had surgery to stitch my cervix shut, I see my high risk OB weekly for 17p injections to keep my uterus relaxed, we have weekly ultrasounds to monitor for movement and heartbeat, I use the doppler daily to check his heartbeat. I eat right. I take it easy. I stay off my fee as much as I can. That is it...the rest is in God's hands.

I have felt unbelievable amounts of guilt in the year since Trent was born and died. I have felt like I should have known something was wrong. I have played the weeks leading up to his death in my head over and over searching for any clues. But, with incomptent cervix there are none. You dialate with no pain, no signs, and then your body has no chance of holding the pregnancy in. I know I could not have changed it or saved him. But, I tried the very best I could on my week of hospital bedrest.

Ian has the very best care because his big brother died first. Ian is monitored and checked because his big brother made sure he would be. I can't do any more than I am doing to help Ian. I have to put it in God's hands and wait to meet this little guy. My prayer is I meet him in May or June. But, if my body gives out and he comes early than I pray the NICU can save him. Again, none of it is in my control. I can worry myself sick...which I have been doing the past few weeks...or I can enjoy this precious pregnancy.

Please continue to pray that my cervix holds and Ian stays put for a good 10-15 weeks more.

1 comments:

Marie W said...

Praying.

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