my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, January 22, 2011

from Trent to Ian

(the minute I typed that title I thought of the movie, "From Justin to Kelly" you know the awful one made after season one of American Idol??? Don't worry I am not writing about Justin....or Kelly) :)

I could have titled this one "pregnancy after loss" but, really it is so much more than that....this is not just a is the creation of Ian's life. And, the "loss" was so much more than just a four letter was Trent's beautiful little life.

I was chatting with a friend last night who lost beautiful twin girls just a few months after I lost Trent. I only know her because we both carry the same heartache from day to day. We are both pregnant again and were talking about what sent us to the hospital before. I have had the hardest time remembering exactly what day in my pregnancy it was when I was admitted to the hospital and then exactly what day in my pregnancy Trent was born. She said to me, "the details are a little fuzzy but the mental images are forever there." Oh, I know that. I can't remember what kinds of drugs they gave me to stop labor. I can't remember the exact number of times they had to move my IV because my veins would not cooperate. I can't remember the names of any of the nurses...even though some would sit and cry with me. I can't remember the names of the doctors...although I remember the one that told me I was very sick and possibly dying myself had a large hair mole on his arm. I can't remember what the room numbers were. I may not know exactly (although I did a little reasearch and I was admitted at 20w5d and he was born at 21w3d) what day it was but the images from those days will never every go away. I will never forget the fear in Ken's face while they did that last ultrasound. I will never forget the lights I stared at as they wheeled me all over the hosptial for tests. I will never forget the gray, cold look of the Orlando skyline when we were finally admitted our room on the ICU/high risk floor. I will never forget the nurse who came in with a bag full of "stuff" that first day. I asked what it was and she said it was for the delivery. (I was able to hold on long enough to deliever in L&D so Trent got a proper entrance into the world). I will never forget the tears my mom cried when the admitting nurse asked if I wanted to bottle feed or breast feed. I will never forget the NICU nurse shaking her head just seconds after he was born, confirming there was nothing they could do to save him. I will never forget his perfect little nose, hands, feet, arms. I will never forget the way he felt in my arms, the way his skin felt against mine, the say he held on to my finger. I will never forget Ken's face when he came into the delivery room to meet his dead son. I will never forget the faces of family that came to meet him through the day. I will never forget the moment we said goodbye and Ken feel to the floor in pure, uninhibited grief. I will never forget him climbing into my hospital bed that night and holding me as we were the only two left in the world. I will never forget the tiny closet they kept his body in as his grandfather was flying in to see him and they didn't want to send him to the morgue yet. I will never forget the time I spent there with him; holding him, rocking him, singing to him, telling him of all I would never get to tell him in his short life. Those things never, ever leave.

So, as I progress in this second pregnancy with Ian you can understand why I am so scared. The moments of Trent's birth and death were hard and painful. Being pregnant with my "rainbow" baby (the child you carry after a loss) is not easy. It is not a pregnancy that I can enjoy on a day to day basis. I try so very hard. But, it is so hard to keep those images out of my head. It is so hard to think of a birthing suite filled with people laughing and not crying. It is hard to think of doctors telling you your son is okay and your pregnancy is doing great (which is all I have heard this pregnancy). It is even harder to imagine kissing him for more than a few hours. It is so hard to not freak out with every pain, every stretch, every thing. But, I am pregnant again...with Ian. A little boy who is loved beyond words.

I can't even explain the love that surronded Trent, Ken, and myself in the days we were hospitalized. The grief people felt for us and with us was beyond amazing. The cards, sweet words, and pain that was expressed...I can't even begin to expalin. And, oh is Ian so very lucky. He is so loved. I think people love this little boy because he brings hope to us...all of us. He reminds us that there is good in this world. He is truly a miracle. I have never felt the love that I have over the last year... Ian will arrive in this world with more love than most will see in a lifetime...and for that I am grateful. And, that is because of his sweet, innocent big brother.

So, as I live from Trent to heart is broken and full at the same time.

I have two precious boys that I can call my sons.

And, that makes me the luckiest mommy in all the world.


Danae said...

You are one incredibly lucky and blessed mommy. You have two precious boys who love you very much!

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