How can I be the girl that was "never going to have a baby of her own"?
How can that girl become the woman who is now grieving her dead child?
How can I be pregnant with my second son??
So much of this last year can't be real. But it is.
One year ago tonight we were all hopeful that Trent was going to stay put for the long run. The doctor told me he was moving me from ICU to the "waiting" floor. The floor I would live on for the next few months waiting on my son to be born. I fell asleep with the idea that maybe I would take him home. But, that was not our story. I went into labor Jan 4th 2010. I gave birth to him and said good bye on the 5th. Can it really be true? Can we really be approaching a year?
I am grateful that I had him. I am amazed that his short life has changed everything about me. I didn't know I could love the way I love.
I was on bed rest after my cerclage was placed. I started watching Dexter. In the last season there is a serial killer that they call "trinity." He kills in groups of threes and leaves behind DNA from his dead sister. Two nights ago I was laying awake (I have shingles. I am not sleeping well because of it. They are itchy painful sores covering my back and side!!) I was laying awake thinking about the crazy things grief drives people to do. Here this man kills people the way his sister, mom, and dad died. And then he leaves a smudge of his sisters ashes behind. All of that is to say I had this epiphany moment. I was never supposed to have someone that shared my DNA. Not someone that I created anyway. But, I have ashes of a sweet baby boy that has my DNA and Ken's. It was an amazing feeling. We created life. It was a short life...but, so beautiful. There is nothing that will ever take that fact away. And, now I get another chance. I have another little boy growing inside of me...sharing my DNA. As painful as this year has been I am so very grateful that I have two boys. TWO BOYS. Can you believe it? Yes, one of them is gone forever. But, he changed me forever. His little life will forever be with me. And, hopefully Ian will get the chance to grow up in our home. I am one lucky momma. Most would not see me that way...but, two boys. Two beautiful boys. One in heaven, one nice and warm in my womb...growing and getting ready for the day he can come home.
I must be dreaming...to get the chance to be the mom to two little boys. I will mother them in totally different ways. Trent will forever be my angel. And, Ian is my new little miracle.
It is a good dream...with some painful, awful moments.