my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Monday, January 3, 2011

i must be dreaming


How can I be the girl that was "never going to have a baby of her own"?

How can that girl become the woman who is now grieving her dead child?

How can I be pregnant with my second son??

So much of this last year can't be real. But it is.

One year ago tonight we were all hopeful that Trent was going to stay put for the long run. The doctor told me he was moving me from ICU to the "waiting" floor. The floor I would live on for the next few months waiting on my son to be born. I fell asleep with the idea that maybe I would take him home. But, that was not our story. I went into labor Jan 4th 2010. I gave birth to him and said good bye on the 5th. Can it really be true? Can we really be approaching a year?

I am grateful that I had him. I am amazed that his short life has changed everything about me. I didn't know I could love the way I love.

I was on bed rest after my cerclage was placed. I started watching Dexter. In the last season there is a serial killer that they call "trinity." He kills in groups of threes and leaves behind DNA from his dead sister. Two nights ago I was laying awake (I have shingles. I am not sleeping well because of it. They are itchy painful sores covering my back and side!!) I was laying awake thinking about the crazy things grief drives people to do. Here this man kills people the way his sister, mom, and dad died. And then he leaves a smudge of his sisters ashes behind. All of that is to say I had this epiphany moment. I was never supposed to have someone that shared my DNA. Not someone that I created anyway. But, I have ashes of a sweet baby boy that has my DNA and Ken's. It was an amazing feeling. We created life. It was a short life...but, so beautiful. There is nothing that will ever take that fact away. And, now I get another chance. I have another little boy growing inside of me...sharing my DNA. As painful as this year has been I am so very grateful that I have two boys. TWO BOYS. Can you believe it? Yes, one of them is gone forever. But, he changed me forever. His little life will forever be with me. And, hopefully Ian will get the chance to grow up in our home. I am one lucky momma. Most would not see me that way...but, two boys. Two beautiful boys. One in heaven, one nice and warm in my womb...growing and getting ready for the day he can come home.

I must be get the chance to be the mom to two little boys. I will mother them in totally different ways. Trent will forever be my angel. And, Ian is my new little miracle.

It is a good dream...with some painful, awful moments.


Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about what you have been through and what you are going through right now. Your precious little boys! It must be very hard!!
We found your blog and can so relate to what you are going through in many ways.
We lost our wee girl in August 2009 due to me going into premature labour which was completly out of the blue. She lived for 35 hours in NICU but because it all happened so fast there was nothing they could do to stop it, and I wasn't able to have the steroid injections on board for long enough. Still couldn't believe it happened to us. Then 1 month later (to the day) my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack. Double whammy!! Grief became a massive part of our life...
After waiting for about 6 months (due to a complicated c-section) we went ahead with a new round of IVF. We were stunned when I was pregnant despite having bleeding. At 13 weeks they put in a cervical cerclage 'in case' this was the reason we lost our wee girl the previous year. They discovered my cervix was already short at that point, and by 19 weeks we were not given very much hope by Dr's as my cervix was down to just over 1cm-ish and I had u-shaped funneling. We were told their aim was just to get us to 24 weeks which was devestating to us. Those weeks were absolutely horrible! Still grieving for our little girl and facing the prospect of going through it all again with our wee boy growing inside me. My cervix got progressively shorter and is now practically non-existent in length.
Anyway, I'm happy to say despite the odds I am now at 33 weeks pregnant and still hanging in there. I have done everything possible to keep this bubba in, such as bed rest, progesterone pessaries, drinking heaps of water, eating fish 3 x per week, and of course the cerclage...
I just wanted to let you know that even though I know you won't believe it until you get there it is possible to get through the hard dates.
We're not a 'success story' as such as we still haven't got there yet, and until we have our live baby part of me won't believe it either.
I have kept a blog, so feel free to read about the emotional rollercoaster I went through. I'm sure you know all about that rollercoaster too, and just want to give you a bit of hope and say am thinking of you! Hang in there x

Ethansmommy said...

Loved this post my dear! You do such a wonderful job of honoring both your sons! Hugs to you and Trent and little Ian. This rainbow journey is definitely not for sissies! We have to take it one tiny baby step at a time! I'm at 14 weeks yesterday :) Hope today is a peaceful one.


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