my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, January 2, 2011

my top 10

As I approach the one year mark of the death of my son I am very reflective. The past year has broken me. I have experienced emotions I didn't even know I was capable of. I have thought of death more than I think a person should. I have dreamed of everything I have missed. I have heard kind words of strangers, grown close to people who know my pain, learned of the love that people can show during grief...and of course heard some of the stupidest, mean, cruel things come out of people's mouths. So, today I am giving you my top 10 list.

The 10 worst things to say to a grieving parent:

10. You just had a miscarriage right?

First, you idiot a miscarriage is a loss of life too. But, NO I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. He was too tiny to make it in this world. He lived for 22 short minutes. Nothing about his birth was "just"

9. At least you didn't get to know him.

Thank you for that. It will help me sleep at night. You are so very right...the fact that I never got to know what the sound of my first born sons voice sounds like, or the way he sounds when he cries, or the look in his eyes when his daddy gets home from work...all of that makes his death SO MUCH EASIER...ass

8. You can have other kids.

How is that supposed to help? I mean really?? Who cares if I can have others. I want TRENT. I want the life that was stolen from me. I will never ever give birth to another Trenton James...he is dead. Forever.

7. You can always adopt.

Again, same as above. What in the world does adopting have anything to do with my son's death.

6. God needed another angel.

That is crap. I don't think God gave him life just so He could be greedy and have another angel. And, really what part of that is comforting??? I mean the fact that the God I believe in is so greedy and self centered that He took my son or the fact that my son is in heaven. I just don't believe it.

5. Trent just didn't feel "right." This baby feels "right"

Are you kidding me??? When I was throwing up from morning felt right. When I felt him kick felt right. When I saw his perfectly formed body on the ultrasound felt right. When I gave birth to a beautiful baby was right. This baby feels exactly the same as Trent. What do you know about the way my pregnacy feels like/??

4. You are not over "that" yet?

"That" is the death of my son. And, no I will never ever be over it.

3. I miss the old you. The happy one.

I am so sorry my new life doesn't fit in to your life. I am sorry that I can't make you smile the way I used to. I am sorry that the posts on facebook are too much for you...and for the record this person deleted me from their friends list shortly after sending me this email.

2. You could name this baby Trent.

Trent is DEAD. naming another child the same name doesn't bring him back.

1. He only lived 22 minutes? That doesn't even count.

It was the most amazing 22 minutes of my life. And, it was his WHOLE life. So, yes it counts. It counts more than your 50+ pathetic years will ever count. My son lived and died. Everything about it counts.

What should you say??

I am sorry. Always appropriate. Always true.

I don't know what to say. Most days I don't either. But, at least I know you care.

Say his name. Bring him up. Tell me you miss him.


Kristie said...

Trenton James, I miss you and U are loved as well. Fly high Trenton James. Miss you more than words can describe~~

Trisha said...


Andrea said...

I can't say I have heard all those things said that you have, though I have heard a few, but I can say I completely understand that feeling of outsiders trying to make things better or make us better, or belittle the situation. How it angers me!

I'm thinking of you and Trent and hoping for some peaceful moments ahead. <3 Trent <3 Sending you love and hugs

Melissa said...

It is amazing what people will say, I wish it didn't have to be up to us bereaved parents to set them straight. =) It's very frustrating that most people just do not know what to say and are afraid to admit it.

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