my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, January 27, 2011

silence

My only experience of giving birth came with ultimate silence. I remember when I was first moved to labor and delievery I could hear the mothers in the rooms around me screaming in pain. I can remember hearing the babies cry. I can remember hearing families laughing and celebrating. But, my birthing suite was much much different. I was in the same kind of labor as the woman around me. I was having the same contractions they were having. But, the difference is my son was not going to live. I didn't scream with each contraction. I held tightly to the bed and was silent. I didn't yell for pain meds. The doctors had to force me to take them to save my life. I didn't have a monitor on me to continually hear Trent's heart beat. It was silent. When Trent was born he made no noise. He moved and squirmed...but, he was silent.

I asked Ken last night if he wanted to attend the birthing classes at the hospital. He said it was up to me. I don't. Is that awful? I can't imagine being in a room full of women and their husbands giddy over the impending birth of their child. I can't imagine being there and not being triggered by all I have already seen. For me, L&D is a place of death, not of life. I know that most don't have this thought. I know that most people are just as ignorant as I once was. But, I can't bring myself to attend these classes. I have given birth. I have gone through labor. I know what happens.

But, this time I want to hear his cry. This time I want to hold him and kiss him and feel his warmth for longer than 22 minutes. I want Ken to be there to cut the cord. I want to watch as they hand him to his daddy. I want to cry as they hand him to me...not because my time with him will be so very short...but because he is my miracle.

4 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

<3 Trisha. I want that too. For you, for all of us grieving parents. <3 I look forward to reading your beautiful birth story. : )

holly said...

I can't tell you how many times I have read your blogs and cried. I am ignorant to what you have been through but, I feel a little of your pain through your words. I pray everyday for you, for Trent, for little Ian. I pray that your little miracle man can help to heal your broken heart just a little. Hugs and prayers to you and Ken.

Lisette said...

I hope and pray for you to hold your little rainbow too. It is sad that we have a different outlook on L&D. I am terrified too but I know we are going to have positive outcomes this time around. I am not being naive and thinking that nothing can go wrong but I am saying this from a hopeful greiving mother perspective. Can't wait to read your beautiful birth story ((HUGS)).

Michele said...

Have you looked into one-on-one classes? After Nick and Sophie died, I couldnt handle the thought of doing group classes, so I found a Bradley instructor who would do a private class for us when we were pregnant with Alexander. It was such a blessing.

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