my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

what if??

What if Ian doesn't make it?

What if history repeats itself?

What something different goes wrong this time?

I played this game for months after Trent died and lately I can't seem to get it out of my head for Ian.

I am just shy of 19 weeks pregnant. I was admitted to the hospital with Trent at 21 weeks 4 days. I am so scared of approaching that same mile stone with this pregnancy. I feel like it is the week of doom. I had an OB appt today and everything looked great. I am dehydrated but other than that everything is good. But, when I was 19 weeks with Trent everything was good. I left with and appt for 4 weeks later and the next time I saw my OB I had meet and said good bye to my son. I cried the whole appt today. I asked about all the scenarios that could go wrong. I have to stop worrying so much. I just don't know how.

I would rather be having these thoughts...and maybe I will FORCE myself to have them...

What if Ian is born full term, perfectly healthy?

What if he comes home from the hosptial?

What if the cerclage holds?


MissingYouAlways said...

I ran all the possibilities in my head all the time. I thought well, now that im 30+ weeks, what if something else happens, what if he is born sleeping? what if this or this happens? I could not picture him being here with me. but he made it, and I am still in disbelief, now I worry about SIDS =( the worry will neer end.

Suzy said...

we can drive ourselves crazy with all the what ifs. I wish you moments of peace, pregnancy after loss is terrifying. Thinking of you and praying for a healthy FULL TERM delivery :)

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