my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Saturday, February 5, 2011

1 + 1

1 year + 1 month = way too long since I held him :(

How is it that life just keeps on going? I wish I knew how to stop it sometimes. I know right after Trent died I wanted the world to stop so that I didn't have to move any further away from him. Here I am 13 whole months later and still wish I could go back to those precious moments he was alive.

Will the 5th of every month ever look different to me? Will I ever not think about the day marking a whole month or year since I held him? I don't think so. You can't fix grief, you can't cure it. It is not a disease that just gets better. There are no pills that make it stop. Time does NOT heal everything. Time continues to mark the months without him. It will never be over. Sometimes I feel like the world is waiting on me to get "over" it. And, I am much better at dealing with life and life without my first born son than I was a year ago. But, asking me to get over it is like me asking you not to celebrate your next child's birthday. How about her 5th? Just skip it. I mean she has been alive for five years...does it really still matter? See my point? Five years alive or dead...they are still your child...and they STILL matter. His 10th birthday, 25th, 45th ... they will all matter to me. Even with a second baby boy on the way....Trent still matters.

One of my blogging friends commented on my last post that she noticed I am closer to my 3rd trimester than my 2nd....YAY!!!!!! That is SO SO SO exciting!!! I mean I feel like I might actually make it into the third trimester!!!! I am starting to have hope that Ian may come home from the hospital with us!!! I am 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant! Praise God!! Less than two weeks until VIABILITY!!!!!!!


Michele said...

Yay for 22 weeks! 2 more weeks til V Day!

I dont think you ever dont notice. On the 1st, 16th, and 23rd of every month, I know... Even so much that on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays (the actual days of the week they were born) I have a little spinechill of X amount of weeks. Your mind just keeps the tally going. With time (it's been 3 years since Nick and Sophie) it does get "easier" to process the information, but there is always a pang.

Big hugs...

Anonymous said...

I was having a bit of a meltdown last night. And I know I couldn't tell most people - they're waiting for me to be 'over' it too. I don't know if this will sound grossly unhealthy, but at this point I'm fairly attached to my grief. I don't think my son should be forgotten just because he's dead. As much as it hurts, it's my love that hurts.

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